It's time for the Gargoyle Online Article section's tri-monthly update. This time we have two passionate and wildly dissenting cereal reviews by Stuart Vandenbrink that I should have uploaded two months ago when I received them. Oh, well. Perhaps I was drunk. Click on the article-title-link-thing to read them. Now.
Honey Bunches of Oats: Eat It
"Damn! This shit is fine!" That's what pops into the head of 87% of people who try Honey Bunches of Oats for the first time. 12% of people actually blurt this out during their first spoonful, which has the unfortunate side effect of wasting some of the precious commodity. The other 1% of people hate things that taste good.
Honey Bunches of Oats (HBO) is straight up delicious, on the verge of being viciously delicious, which would be overwhelming and possibly dangerous. There have been days when I've had HBO for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, only to be disappointed that there wasn't any left for dessert. It's that good.
Whenever I evangelize for HBO, the question invariably pops up: Have you tried "Just Bunches?" Of course I have! Stop wasting my time with inane questions. "But what did you think of it?" they ask next. It's like HBO, but with stuff missing. Consider the following equations:
HBO - (anything in it) < HBO. (1)
HBO + almonds > HBO - almonds (2)
HBO * chocolate = WTF? (3)
See equation (1). That fact is indisputable. Now observe equation (2). See where I'm going with this? However, this rule doesn't hold true for everything, which is why I've provided equation (3). Why would someone alter the fundamental structure of the cereal? When was the last time you were eating chocolate and then decided that you should combine it with honey? Yesterday? What the hell is wrong with you?
Bottom line: Eat it, love it, live it.
Wheaties: The "Breakfast of Champions" or "No Tastebuds Required?"
I was lured in by the athletes on the boxes, not by the enlarged picture of the cereal. "What's this? A cereal that consists entirely of bran flakes? Only the best must eat this stuff. The champions, perhaps!" This thought crossed my mind when I was an ignoramus, but now I know better after trying a god-forsaken bowl of them.
One fifth of the way into my bowl of Wheaties, I noticed that I was not enjoying myself. It was a chore to munch through the flakes, especially after they quickly got soggy and (somehow) even less appealing. I plowed through, trying to enjoy the taste of milk and ignoring the repulsive Wheaties themselves.
Looking back on the experience, I'm glad I went through with it. I feel like I'm a stronger person for forging ahead when the going got tough, and I got to join the ranks of Ken Griffy Jr. and Tiger Woods, the elite champions who eat Wheaties for breakfast. I left that list within a few minutes, however, and haven't looked back. I would encourage everyone else to avoid this unacceptable cereal.
"Damn! This shit is fine!" That's what pops into the head of 87% of people who try Honey Bunches of Oats for the first time. 12% of people actually blurt this out during their first spoonful, which has the unfortunate side effect of wasting some of the precious commodity. The other 1% of people hate things that taste good.Honey Bunches of Oats (HBO) is straight up delicious, on the verge of being viciously delicious, which would be overwhelming and possibly dangerous. There have been days when I've had HBO for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, only to be disappointed that there wasn't any left for dessert. It's that good.
Whenever I evangelize for HBO, the question invariably pops up: Have you tried "Just Bunches?" Of course I have! Stop wasting my time with inane questions. "But what did you think of it?" they ask next. It's like HBO, but with stuff missing. Consider the following equations:
HBO - (anything in it) < HBO. (1)
HBO + almonds > HBO - almonds (2)
HBO * chocolate = WTF? (3)
See equation (1). That fact is indisputable. Now observe equation (2). See where I'm going with this? However, this rule doesn't hold true for everything, which is why I've provided equation (3). Why would someone alter the fundamental structure of the cereal? When was the last time you were eating chocolate and then decided that you should combine it with honey? Yesterday? What the hell is wrong with you?
Bottom line: Eat it, love it, live it.
Wheaties: The "Breakfast of Champions" or "No Tastebuds Required?"
I was lured in by the athletes on the boxes, not by the enlarged picture of the cereal. "What's this? A cereal that consists entirely of bran flakes? Only the best must eat this stuff. The champions, perhaps!" This thought crossed my mind when I was an ignoramus, but now I know better after trying a god-forsaken bowl of them.
One fifth of the way into my bowl of Wheaties, I noticed that I was not enjoying myself. It was a chore to munch through the flakes, especially after they quickly got soggy and (somehow) even less appealing. I plowed through, trying to enjoy the taste of milk and ignoring the repulsive Wheaties themselves.
Looking back on the experience, I'm glad I went through with it. I feel like I'm a stronger person for forging ahead when the going got tough, and I got to join the ranks of Ken Griffy Jr. and Tiger Woods, the elite champions who eat Wheaties for breakfast. I left that list within a few minutes, however, and haven't looked back. I would encourage everyone else to avoid this unacceptable cereal.
I like HBO with chocolate...
hangs head in shame
You know what really makes this post? The picture of of Stu in his HBO costume.
I love Wheaties!! I was so distraught freshman year when SQaud no longer had them in the dining hall.
And let's be honest, Tiger Woods probably doesn't eat Wheaties for breakfast.
He eats Honey Bunches of Oats.
Who the hell would review wheaties poorly? Some deprived monkey-child, I can only assume.
Wheaties may have no taste, but they are not "repulsive."
Using such strong language to describe the benign favor of Wheaties only serves to damage your credibility, which until that over-statement was quite solid.
Keep up the meaningful reviews.
PS: those of us who have been forcing down the bland but filling cereal for years know that copious amounts of sugar will make this fiber-filled staple more tolerable.