The following piece was contributed by Lia Wolok, PhD student, friend of
the Gargoyle, and all-around wonderful person.
Chad checked himself over in the mirror; his $70, ultra-fitted flannel shirt looked appropriately tousled.
The setup was perfect: his West Quad roommate would be gone all weekend getting his wisdom teeth pulled. While Paul was home secretly watching a Princess Diaries double feature (over and over again due to his Vicodin-induced stupor), the trite Pink Floyd posters in this very room would bear witness to the realization of a new level of intimacy in Chad's relationship. Honesty, love, union-- His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.
Amanda sauntered in, the very vision of his deepest desires. Underneath her marshmallow-shaped Northface jacket, she wore leggings (gold) as if they were pants and an ill-fitting, low-cut shirt (purple) from American Apparel. Chad was intoxicated by her heady scent and all-too-aware of the tender heart beating beneath her fully-displayed bosom. The two clung to each other for a moment, and then stepped apart. Chad watched as blood flushed her fair cheeks.
"I want to talk to you about something," Chad explained nervously.
Twitlight
Chad checked himself over in the mirror; his $70, ultra-fitted flannel shirt looked appropriately tousled.
The setup was perfect: his West Quad roommate would be gone all weekend getting his wisdom teeth pulled. While Paul was home secretly watching a Princess Diaries double feature (over and over again due to his Vicodin-induced stupor), the trite Pink Floyd posters in this very room would bear witness to the realization of a new level of intimacy in Chad's relationship. Honesty, love, union-- His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.
Amanda sauntered in, the very vision of his deepest desires. Underneath her marshmallow-shaped Northface jacket, she wore leggings (gold) as if they were pants and an ill-fitting, low-cut shirt (purple) from American Apparel. Chad was intoxicated by her heady scent and all-too-aware of the tender heart beating beneath her fully-displayed bosom. The two clung to each other for a moment, and then stepped apart. Chad watched as blood flushed her fair cheeks.
"I want to talk to you about something," Chad explained nervously.
Amanda raised an eyebrow and smirked, twining her hands round his body.
"Is it about something... secret?" she asked,with the pretense of bashfulness.
"Yes," he replied, eyes downcast. "This is very serious, Mannie."
"Yes. So serious," she replied. "So dark and brooding." She ran a finger over his furrowed brow, "Tell me, please. I'm dying to know about it."
Chad took a deep breath, and motioned for Amanda to sit on his bed. "I've been waiting for this moment for so long. I think our relationship can move forward," he said, "but I have something important to tell you first."
Overwhelmed with excitement, Amanda threw herself back on the bed. "Take me! Take me now!" she cried, pulling him down onto the bed on top of her, "I want to be with you no matter what; make me one, too, and we can be together, forever!"
She pulled the hair away from her neck and offered its soft skin to him.
"Don't you get it, Mannie? I'm not what you think I am."
Writhing about in ecstasy, she whispered plaintively, "I know exactly what you are. I love you, Chad. Have your way with me."
"But, Mannie! I'm...I'm..." But the boy could not finish his dreadful confession.
"I know, Chad. You're a vampire! I've always known."
"That's just it," Chad sighed. "I'm not." Amanda's writhing ceased immediately. She threw his body off hers and Chad sat on the floor with a heavy thud.
"Of course you're a vampire," she laughed nervously.
"No. I'm not." They stared at each other uncomfortably. "I didn't realize you thought that until we were already dating. I liked you so much, I didn't want to ruin anything by telling the truth.
But it's been four months now, and I thought our relationship could handle this."
Amanda scoffed in disbelief. "But you're so pale!"
"My family's from Scandinavia."
"You said all those things! You said I smelled delicious, that you could just eat me up."
"Yeah. You always smell like peaches. It's called hyperbole."
"You said we were from two different worlds."
"You're Jewish. I'm Episcopalian."
"When I met you, you were sparkling."
"It was Halloween. I was dressed up as Ziggy Stardust, for heaven's sake!"
"Who?"
"Nevermind," he mumbled as he settled into his despair.
"You said you couldn't bear the thought of eating flesh."
"I thought you wanted a sensitive guy. I was talking about being a vegetarian." Chad stared at Amanda's horror-stricken face with pleading eyes, "But why is this a bad thing? Aren't you happy? I have a soul! We can do it and I won't go nuts and drink your blood. You said that your life meant nothing before you met me. That I meant everything to you! Why does it matter if I'm not a vampire?"
"It just does, okay? I'm leaving." And with that Amanda jumped up from the bed, grabbed her marshmallow coat, and walked out of Chad's life forever.
Chad sat helplessly on the floor. "Fuck you, Robert Pattinson! Fuck you!" his inner monologue wailed in anguish. But only one word slipped from his lips, describing in its visceral brevity the depth of his pain and torment:
"Balls."
"Is it about something... secret?" she asked,with the pretense of bashfulness.
"Yes," he replied, eyes downcast. "This is very serious, Mannie."
"Yes. So serious," she replied. "So dark and brooding." She ran a finger over his furrowed brow, "Tell me, please. I'm dying to know about it."
Chad took a deep breath, and motioned for Amanda to sit on his bed. "I've been waiting for this moment for so long. I think our relationship can move forward," he said, "but I have something important to tell you first."
Overwhelmed with excitement, Amanda threw herself back on the bed. "Take me! Take me now!" she cried, pulling him down onto the bed on top of her, "I want to be with you no matter what; make me one, too, and we can be together, forever!"
She pulled the hair away from her neck and offered its soft skin to him.
"Don't you get it, Mannie? I'm not what you think I am."
Writhing about in ecstasy, she whispered plaintively, "I know exactly what you are. I love you, Chad. Have your way with me."
"But, Mannie! I'm...I'm..." But the boy could not finish his dreadful confession.
"I know, Chad. You're a vampire! I've always known."
"That's just it," Chad sighed. "I'm not." Amanda's writhing ceased immediately. She threw his body off hers and Chad sat on the floor with a heavy thud.
"Of course you're a vampire," she laughed nervously.
"No. I'm not." They stared at each other uncomfortably. "I didn't realize you thought that until we were already dating. I liked you so much, I didn't want to ruin anything by telling the truth.
But it's been four months now, and I thought our relationship could handle this."
Amanda scoffed in disbelief. "But you're so pale!"
"My family's from Scandinavia."
"You said all those things! You said I smelled delicious, that you could just eat me up."
"Yeah. You always smell like peaches. It's called hyperbole."
"You said we were from two different worlds."
"You're Jewish. I'm Episcopalian."
"When I met you, you were sparkling."
"It was Halloween. I was dressed up as Ziggy Stardust, for heaven's sake!"
"Who?"
"Nevermind," he mumbled as he settled into his despair.
"You said you couldn't bear the thought of eating flesh."
"I thought you wanted a sensitive guy. I was talking about being a vegetarian." Chad stared at Amanda's horror-stricken face with pleading eyes, "But why is this a bad thing? Aren't you happy? I have a soul! We can do it and I won't go nuts and drink your blood. You said that your life meant nothing before you met me. That I meant everything to you! Why does it matter if I'm not a vampire?"
"It just does, okay? I'm leaving." And with that Amanda jumped up from the bed, grabbed her marshmallow coat, and walked out of Chad's life forever.
Chad sat helplessly on the floor. "Fuck you, Robert Pattinson! Fuck you!" his inner monologue wailed in anguish. But only one word slipped from his lips, describing in its visceral brevity the depth of his pain and torment:
"Balls."
