July 2010 Archives
Are you in a comfortable position? Good, good. First, lean back and settle into your chair. Breathe deeply and as you exhale, close your eyes and begin to feel yourself relaxing. That's it, you're doing fine. Let your thoughts flow outward from within, until your mind is clear. Good, good. Clear your thoughts, let them flow.
Picture yourself in a large white room with plaid and aquamarine polka-dotted paisley floor. Feel the floor breathing, morphing, flowing. Good, good, you're doing fine. Now you watch as the walls are slowly dissolving. Dissolving like a sugar cube in a cup of soup - grain by grain, floating into the space around you. You walk. You walk, and on all sides are daffodills. 8-foot-tall, fanged daffodills. Oh very good, you're doing fine. The daffodills are softly singing to you, words which you hear but can't quite understand, words which lead you to walk forward, upward. You walk upward until you reach the edge, the edge of the end of the world. Good, good, very good.You now look out over the sea of nothingness, the void of existence, the emptiness of --
You've got a boner now, right?
Sweet.
(Lady-boners count too).
Q: Why are whole numbers sneakier than real numbers?
A: Whole numbers are discrete!
A: What do you call someone who's trapped at the top of a castle?
Q: In-spired!
6:11pm Everyone finally shows up a little late
6:13pm Meeting is sidetracked by Gary's ketchup stain on his breast pocket
6:16pm Gary really doesn't know where the stain came from
6:18pm Consensus drawn: yes, it is probably ketchup
6:20pm Previous meeting notes would have been read if they hadn't been rendered illegible after being sent through the wash in Linda's pants
6:23pm Projector setup attempted
Hey Jake Sully/John Smith! Wanna go hang out under the Hometree/Grandmother Willow? You know, just to forget about Colonel Quaritch/Governor Ratcliffe and Tsu-tey/Kocoum for a while...
This may, or may not, go with the article posted 2 weeks ago.
Yeah yeah, I get it. They're comfortable, they're easy to put on, and they're durable. Unfortunately, they will make you look like president of the RV club. So unless you don't have enough time to tie your shoelaces before going to UMix, do yourself a favor and wear real God damn shoes,
Shell Necklaces: Don't. Just don't.*
*Fucking Don't
1. Vuvuzela Time!
Anyone following the World Cup, or within 200 miles of South Africa, is familiar with the soothing lilt of the Vuvuzela. This website provides the soccer fan-on-a-budget the opportunity to experience the Vuvuzela in the comfort and privacy of their web browser. Suddenly, any website of your choosing is as exciting as a world cup match! Well, almost any website.
Has anyone ever seen someone play a harmonica and smoke a cigarette at the same time? I'm not talking "note, note, puff, puff, note," I'm talking simultaneous notepuffin'. Like, the smoke is creating the reverberations, you know?
How about a flute? Same principal, right? Wait, no... that's exhaling only, as far as I'm aware. I guess you could stick a cigarette in your nose while playing the flute, then smoke would blast out of each valve as you hit the notes. I wonder if that's how the earth feels when volcanoes are smoldering, like it's got a gargantuan cigarette up its nose...
You know, cigarettes are just too damn small. Forget cigars, too. I want to buy a whole pack of cigarettes, get them wet, and press-form them into a big 'ol rectangular prism, about the size of the pack itself. You could do octagonal prisms, too. Maybe a nice truncated cone?
Seems like a lot of work though. When are they going to make smoking easier? Smokers always have to buy new packs, new lighters, go outside, smoke one at a time, etc. Seems like by now there'd be some kind of implant that circulates smoke-filled air through your lungs at all times; maybe a filter in your throat that makes your exhales clear and clean as a mountain stream but still gives you that classic smoke feeling on the inside.
As an unrelated pursuit, I want to start drinking all liquids through my eyes.
Should you forget yourself when spelling a word:
Gargoyle Magazine readers utilize moving companies and moving services at the end of each semester to help move personal belongings to and from school.