Rather inexplicably, I've become quite taken with firing things out of cannons in recent weeks. I can't really explain it; it's just become my go-to when confronted with a problem, situation, or someone I've never met before. Toaster not working? Fire that thing out of a cannon! Computer working slowly? Make it airborne! One of your friends borrowed your car without asking? Now they're a circus act with no net. Cannons have pretty much endless utility.
Pictured: Problem solving
Pictured: Problem solving
Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't consider firing myself out of a
cannon every now and again, you know, for fairness sake. As my
grandfather often told me: "Never use anyone as a projectile unless
you'd be one yourself." Growing up, the adage found rather little
application, but as a professional cannoneer, I cannot help but abide
it.
Many people, for example, discount the effectiveness of cannon-based travel to and from the workplace. I, for one, enjoy the speed and efficiency of being aimed in the general area of my employment, then propelled to tremendous velocity by a controlled explosion.
"Oh, you drive a Benz? I only travel via cannon."
And all of this is to say nothing of the psychological advantages generated by cannon-based travel: you will feel incredible. Every day that you survive that morning commute becomes so much more valuable to you, problems seem so much smaller. You have a report due by noon? Nothing can terrify you more than the few seconds before and during take-off. You forgot your lunch? No problem; missing lunch can't be much worse than hitting that goose at the speed of sound on your way into work!
Many people, for example, discount the effectiveness of cannon-based travel to and from the workplace. I, for one, enjoy the speed and efficiency of being aimed in the general area of my employment, then propelled to tremendous velocity by a controlled explosion.
"Oh, you drive a Benz? I only travel via cannon."And all of this is to say nothing of the psychological advantages generated by cannon-based travel: you will feel incredible. Every day that you survive that morning commute becomes so much more valuable to you, problems seem so much smaller. You have a report due by noon? Nothing can terrify you more than the few seconds before and during take-off. You forgot your lunch? No problem; missing lunch can't be much worse than hitting that goose at the speed of sound on your way into work!
