So yesterday I tried to rent Insidious from the Redbox at Kroger, but apparently it was out of stock. I say 'apparently' because I'm still convinced that they have 40 copies of it in there, and when they claim to have...what is it this week, oh, Blue Crush 2...that they actually don't have any, and stock the good movies in its place instead.
What did I get instead?!? After the jump.
Anyway, I'm frugal and only pay a dollar and six cents a night to watch a movie, so my second choice was The Adjustment Bureau.
"But Kristen you didn't have to do that, Blockbuster's got 99 cent a night rentals now to keep pace with the competitive market--"
No, stop, it's the premise. Redbox started the 99 cent thing, I'm not going to support a company that made me fork over $14.99 for forgetting to return the remake of Halloween, titties and murder within the first two minutes or your money back.
God. The Adjustment Bureau was a cool take on the basic spy movie; it follows a guy who discovers the secret world of people who "adjust" our lives in small ways, like spilling coffee to arrive later to avoid being hit by a car for example, in order to ensure that our life path continues according to plan.
Anyway, I was feeling all sneaky because of The Adjustment Bureau and I kind of decided to do a little of my own snooping on my insanely annoying, nosy, and awful neighbors. The following are my agenda and discoveries for the day.
4:36 AM. Alarm goes off. Can't set alarm on 0s and 5s due to superstition. I do not get up.
4:41 AM. Verizon-distinct ringtone eats its way into my brain. Must get up before "Default Ring #4" gets stuck in my head.
4:56 AM. Sneak into my microwave of a car. Lean seat back so only eyes protrude above window.
5:48 AM. Finally. Batty 30-40-50-something woman comes out of house wearing jorts and a Guns N' Roses belly shirt. Has a metal detector in her hand. Looks around suspiciously as if paranoid that someone is watching her. Normally she is just crazy. Today, Chicken Little, the sky really is falling down.
5:50-6:14 AM. Searches driveway overgrown with weeds and lawn chairs for something with metal detector. Dejected and needing a cold one, she goes inside.
6:49 AM. Calling her "Tramp Stamp" from now on. Takes her place with her dog, who we'll call Senor Pitbull, on the lawn chair throne with PBR in her hand. Wondering why hipster is a category anymore; everyone is a hipster. Tramp Stamp gets her kicks yelling at cars driving too fast down the street.
8:00 AM. Tramp Stamp decides she wants those cool feather things in her hair. Leaves to go to Oakland Mall because she heard R. Kelly was there a couple days ago. Rumored that he no longer pees on people.
9:14 AM. Tramp Stamp returns with feather things, only to discover throne has been taken over by sticky-fingered daughter. Noted that her hands are always sticky, no matter what.
10:18 AM. After finishing two more PBRs, Tramp Stamp decides to look for something in garage. One of those garages no cars are parked in. Garage full of boxes, weasels, and Weird Al memorabilia. Noted she is only fan left. Noted that this should be submitted to show Hoarders.
11:06 AM. Mom brings out some lemonade and is wondering why I am always squandering away my youth spying on people. I retort that this is only the 4th time I've done this. This shuts her right up. She goes back to watch from the kitchen window.
11:43 AM. Tramp Stamp has not found what she is looking for. Decides she is hungry so puts on her Hooters shirt and takes sticky daughter and sickly mother (who looks like Grandma Death) to get some wings.
12:58 PM. Leftovers given to pitbull. Senor Pitbull kills 4 birds. Sticky congratulates dog by giving it a Snickers bar.
1:24 PM. Pitbull rushed to animal hospital. When they get back, Sticky gets screamed at. Her punishment is no dessert before dinner and a smaller dessert after dinner. Sticky is displeased and shows it by peeing on lawn chair. Tramp Stamp drags it to curb. Man in white van picks up chair, Tramp Stamp does not warn him that it's covered in pee.
4:30 PM. The tenants have been taking their routine three-hour nap. Doing nothing all day ain't easy, but someone's gotta do it.
8:00 PM. Slowly start to feel like someone is watching me since the world outside has grown dark. I recruit my little brother to sit back-to-back with me on the front lawn so we won't be surprised.
8:15 PM. Since it's gotten cooler out, Tramp Stamp decides to go for a run. She makes it two doors past my house and gives up, walking back. She notices us on the lawn. Brother convinces her that we are harvesting ants to start a pet store for insect enthusiasts. Well played, Trevor, well played.
9:46 PM. Shouting match over remote. Mom is giddy because noise level is cop-reporting level. Tramp Stamp wants to order CM Punk vs. John Cena on Pay Per View. Grandma Death wins. Bonanza theme song blasts for next two hours.
12:00 AM. After gunshot noise I go inside, not having seen or heard anything exciting enough to warrant a days' worth of spying. Feel sorry for myself and eat lots of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
The things I do to keep you all entertained...
