In light of the recent debt crisis I've decided to make my own plan, outlined to inform our president of how handling debt should really be done.
To Our Royal Highness (and seasoned man with an inexorable fashion sense),
As the representatives of our fine nation are acting like a well-organized manifestation of baboons, I have come up with several ways to completely ignore their childish propositions and fix our astounding debt problem through several initiatives.
1. Exploit the tweens
Recruit tweens with only minor facial disfigurement from rich areas; examples could be the upper east side of Manhattan, or Beverly Hills. Convince the popular ones that they can sing. Have them write terrible, soul-detrimental tween music. Record them. Make music videos. Advertise and spread the videos on Youtube. Tax the shit out of their youtube payouts. Like hide a clause in there that the government takes 98% of revenue. Hell, make them pay you. Call it an "unpaid internship."
2. Legalize everything
This is just killing two birds with one stone. Start regulating street drugs and get rid of the DEA. That's one public agency you don't have to shell out to anymore. We don't need glorified pot-flushers riding on the federal budget. And they've been in enough raids to know how manufacturing meth is done. It's practically job creation with no training necessary. Oh and also, tax every drug in increments. The more addictive the substance, the higher the tax. It's their choice, after all.
3. Raise the Medicare age
To 67? Please. How about you grow a pair and raise it to 82. If Diana Nyad can swim 103 miles from Cuba to Florida and she's 61, why should any of us retire at 65?? If you live to be 82, congratulations! Medicare is our gift to you. The 80s are the new 60s. Now sit down and stop foaming at the mouth, your seizures aren't that bad.
Please take these into consideration. I believe that every pedestal of legislation is built upon good intentions.
Good luck with solving the dilapidation of our country's credit rating.
And also the gray hair. I was sorry to read about that.
Love,
Kwisten Kwisten Bo-Bisten Fananna Fanna Fo-Fisten
