Gargoyle Humor Magazine

Punday Monday - March 1, 2010

2010-03-01T14:43:10Z

The drug dealer sometimes grew shrooms above his garage. He had a spore-attic supply of psychedelics.

To summarize, do the opposite of winterizing.

Critics panned Steve Nash's "Slam Dunk Iced Tea," saying it was, "just plain Nash-tea."

Chris was unbelievably bored when he 4chan-ately stumbled upon the darkest corner of the internet.

Supermarket Haikus

2010-02-17T01:42:29Z

Goddamn claw machine
never grabs the fucking prize
Just one more attempt.

Lemons are on sale!
Watermelons are on sale!
Greeting cards are not.

Caution: Floor is wet.
Maybe someone should dry it,
not set up these signs.
]]> I think I have a quarter.
Shit! Just a nickel.

Electric scooters:
shopping carts of the future.
Not just for cripples.

Only small children
and maybe little people
should sit in cart seats.

Interview with Andy

2010-02-16T00:07:42Z

If you didn't get your fill of interviews with the current issue that's out, here's an interview with Andy, a homeless meth addict turned hare krishna following cosmetology student with lots of shit in his closet I lived with last spring break.

Stuart: What was your most recent memorable dream?

Andy: I dreamt about all the members of Happy Days. They were still acting but in a completely different show.

S: What was the last thing you regretted buying?

A: $100 worth of DVDs when I was drunk.

S: Recount a strange food experience you had.

A: I was prepping up jalapenos, then I took a piss, then I ended up on the floor w/a bag of ice over my goodfellow for a half hour. AHHH!!!

]]>

S: Is there any credibility to the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, UFOs, or Atlantis?

A: I think so. I've seen two UFOs--at the same time, with my own eyes. So why then, would I discount the possibility of their existence all together? Besides, I think everyone reading this has experienced enough in their lives to know that there are living entities in every type of atmosphere and existences far beyond anything we could understand. It's humbling.

S: What sport shouldn't be considered a sport?

A: If it didn't mean offending all my relatives in Minnesota of Scandinavian descent, I'd say curling. You know what I mean. I mean, come on! Seriously, I'll have a talk with them!

S: What activity isn't considered a sport that should be?

A: Grinding. It's going with the flow when you're living life on the streets. It's the underlying foundation to the style of your hustle. There are rules. For instance, you can't let a streetlamp or pole or whatever, come between you and someone you're walking around with, and there's ways of canceling that mistake etc.

S: What is your idea of a perfect day?

A: Waking up early, like 5:30, and chanting Hare Krishna! The rest of the day is a turning wheel of bliss!

S: What do you wish was in your fridge right now that isn't?

A: Prasadam.

S: What could be greater than golf with a gator?

A: A late night dinner with a plane navigator.

Punday Monday - February 15, 2010

2010-02-15T05:09:51Z

The traffic at the intersection is unparalleled.

Hyperbole - Playground antagonizer who didn't hake his ADHD meds.

Sewer coverings are grate!

Dick Valentine Interview Transcript

2010-02-03T19:54:31Z

By Joe Sipka

Electric Six are without a doubt one of my favorite bands. They have a pretty eclectic mix of sounds, and have been described as garage rock mixed with rhythm and blues and disco, and their lyrics are always amazing. I don't know of any other current bands that can sing about escaping from Ohio or Domino Farms and still be taken seriously. After trying to get an interview through normal agent-related channels I used a sort of six degrees of separation connection to them, involving the friend of a boyfriend of a coworker, who has or had some kind of working relationship with the band. In any case, after the trials of setting up the interview and fighting with our office telephone David and I sat down to have a chat with Dick Valentine, the frontman and songwriter of the band.

JS: How do you write so much music so quickly? It feels like you were just touring for "Flashy."

DV: Um, you know we put out an album then we tour, we see things, we talk to people, we have conversations, and that leads to more music.

JS: Out of everything you've put out do you have a favorite track, or any top favorites? I mean, obviously Gay Bar is pretty popular.

DV: Yeah man, I don't know, every now and then I think about that and I'd say right now my favorite song is Transatlantic flight, I was thinking about what a great song that was, but it could change tomorrow.

]]>

JS: That is a very good song. David, do you have any?

DF: My current favorite is Escape from Ohio, um, I really enjoy that track. So in preparation for this we've been watching other interviews and things of that nature, and somehow we gleaned the information that you are a U of M alum. Can you confirm this?

DV: Yeah I am, I graduated in '94.

DF: Would you say that college was worth it?

DV: I mean in terms of, I mean, I got an English degree from LS&A, so it didn't really prepare me for anything, really. But that having been said, after four years at Berkely High School it was nice on a social level to be at U of M and, you know, experience life where you're not getting beat up by stoners every day, and so it was good for me in that realm. Also, I worked a lot, I drove the bus, you know the campus buses. I learned how to multitask. I took 16 credits and worked 40 hours a week. You know, I had to have a work ethic and learn how to survive on not a lot of sleep at that time.

DF: I can tell you that as an English major, your story is inspiring, truly.

DV: Yeah, you know it was really tough. My parents and my parents friends at the time, they were kind of stuck in this bygone era, all you've got to do is get sheet from U of M and you can write your own ticket, you know, and I was led to believe that all you had to do was get that diploma from U of M and then I'd be running a Fortune 500 company or something. Uh, and there was a real, real stark reality when I graduated. My first job was washing dishes at a bagel café, and I was like where's my ticket. So yeah, if I have kids and send them to school I would strongly urge them to go into something tangible like engineering or computer programming rather than something like English, or film, or something like that. Because then you know you can do all that stuff on your own.

DV: Alright, well I'll pop that along to our staff who are largely English or film majors, although Joe here is in engineering.

DV: No, no, I hear you, I understand, but yeah, I think you're in for a rude awakening. I mean, I love the study of it, I had a great time doing it, but um, I felt like really once I got out of there, it either leads to more school or doing something that had nothing to do with what you studied.

DF: I understand that's the case with most degrees, that you end up in something completely unrelated. Which in some cases is probably for the best, I guess. So you did come to U of M and Gargoyle is a U of M publication. Have you ever heard of it during your tenure there?

DV: Yeah, I have heard of it, I'm just expecting a radio interview as well, I was just confusing the two.

DF: That's good. Would you be willing to admit that you have actually read the Gargoyle?

DV: I think I have, yeah. I've read and picked up a lot of things so I mean I believe I've spent some time [with it].

DF: Excellent. Very cool.

JS: This summer we heard you play at the Blind Pig, this summer. I said that twice didn't I?

DV: Yeah, we've played at the Blind Pig.

JS: So do you prefer large or small venues for shows?

DV: Oh it depends, I mean some small places are a great places to play, you have a great time. It more depends on um, actually the back stage arrangements rather than front of house. You know, we've had experiences when we played for like a thousand people and backstage they give you like a six-pack of Miller Lite and expect you to have a good time with that. And then other time you play at a small venue and they bring in like Martha Stewart catering or something you know so we kind of look at it from a catering perspective.

Electric Six will be playing at The Blind Pig in March. Go see them. I cannot recommend another show as highly. The Pig is such a small intimate place that you can literally touch Dick Valentine if you position yourself correctly. At this point in the interview, I was still awed by the fact that I was talking to THE Dick Valentine of Electric Six, so I didn't pick up on his humor. I am incredibly dense sometimes.

JS: That's an interesting way to look at it I guess. So I also understand that the Electric Six has played at weddings recently.

DV: We did, yeah. We've done a few. That's a fun thing to do. It's very low pressure you get paid very well, and you have a built in audience, they're paying to have you there more than a regular gig would. So it's a fun time, and it's a great opportunity.

JS: So are you going to be doing this for a few more years or should I really start working on getting you to play at my wedding, assuming that that's ever going to happen and that I have enough money to pay for it?

DV: If you want to do it and you have a wedding coming up, you know where to find me now.

JS: Alright. Oh, so this is point of contention we've had at our office, because a lot of us actually do listen to your music: is it "The Electric Six" or "Electric Six?"

DV: I believe it is Electric Six, though I am guilty of saying the Electric Six every now and then myself. I'm not going to take you to court for saying it one way or the other.

JS: That's very good to hear.

DV: Do you want to go to court? I'll take you to court if you want.

JS: I'd prefer not, I can't afford to have you play at my wedding either, so...

DV: I thought you might like abuse. I'm a people pleaser, if you want me to abuse you, I'll abuse you.

JS: I think there are few better things that I could ask for than being abused by the Electric Six, especially Dick Valentine.

DV & DF: (laughter)

More often than not, people refer to the band as The Electric Six, which makes sense. I mean, there are six of them, so "Electric" is just an adjective right? Wrong. It's actually Electric Six. Using his English degree, Dick Valentine has transcended English grammar. Or maybe it's some grammatical rule that I don't understand. Hell, I don't know; I'm just an engineer. Also, Dick Valentine offered to take me to court. Awesome. Also also, I need to marry well, and in the next few years so I can have Electric Six play at my wedding.

DF: So we've seen you on Red Eye doing interviews, I mean that's really the only reason we'd watch the show. What was it like being on FOX?

DV: Um, it's interesting. You are right there in the nerve center, you know, all those shows that you know from FOX are taped right there in the same area. Greg the host of Red Eye, I have to say is a really nice guy off camera you know, so begrudge him no ill will despite whatever machine he is part of. It's a very weird phenomenon, the FOX phenomenon.

DF: It is certainly interesting. I mean after watching a couple interviews, he does certainly enjoy yelling. I have to wonder how familiar he is, truly, with the music, though I guess he did have you on there so...

DV: I've never seen him yell. I don't know, I mean, one thing I will say about that show is he does a really, really good job of getting musicians of our level on TV. You know we've never been on Conan O'Brien or even Jimmy Kimmel or anything like that, but he's gone out of his way to find people like us so you know, eve going as far back as the Melvins, you ... was on there quite a bit. So you know, it is what is, and I'm glad to go in there and see how it works, and I'm looking forward to maybe going on there again.

DF: Well, I mean, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

DV: No, you know. I do get the downside of it, I do, and there is a part of me that doesn't like being a part of that, that doesn't like being a part of that, of FOX, it's a horrible... thing. At the same time I'm also very curious, and I also think that it serves you better. You might say I'm not going to go on FOX, I'm going to boycott them or what not, but that doesn't do anything. I'd be better served to have a meltdown on the air or punch Bill O'Reilly in the face, or something. You just have to pick your spots.

DF: That's my next question. You know, you were in that nerve center, did you ever get close to That Man?

DV: No, Red Eye tapes at 9pm so I think, you know, some of them might be around at that time, I don't know how it works. The only person I've actually seen is kind of a minor guy, who is on some round table discussions. He looks like kind of an extra from the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. He sort of skinny had glasses and laughs like a baboon any time they start ripping on Nancy Pelosi, or something like that, I've seen him on TV, and I was going into the bathroom and he was coming out. That's the only FOX personality that I've seen other than Greg Gutfield.

DF: Alright.

DV: You know the thing about those shows, is it's like massive. It's like the same thing, it's like "Boy aren't you glad you aren't Barney Frank," you know. It's so predictable. It's funny to watch it in action.

DF: They're almost self-satirizing, so I'll tell you what, that makes our job a hell of a lot easier.

DV: It's true, it is, and you know the way it is, it's more fascinating to go in and see it every day. I'm not there everyday, but you know what I mean.

Dick Valentine has been on Red Eye three or four times now. I think that he was on there again pretty recently judging from post on Electric Six's website, but I'll be damned if I can find it. This was definitely my favorite part of the interview. I mean, Dick Valentine referred to someone on FOX News as a Nazi extra from an Indiana Jones movie and talked about punching Bill O'Reilly for publicity. I can't bring myself to call him Dick, or Mr. Valentine.

DV: So I was looking at the album art for KILL and it seems that you have, I guess, how did we describe it? Sort of like a molding meat sculpture.

JS: Right, it looks like lunchmeat that is molding and is cut in designs. It's, uh, kind of odd. Who comes up with the ideas for your album art?

DV: We outsource that an artist, I guess. When it first as proposed I actually thought we were going to using processed lunch meat like in the packaging, and I thought that might be kind of difficult to do that on a mass scale, then I found out it was just a drawing.

JS: It's a drawing? Wow.

DV: Yeah. I mean. You know, it definitely makes a statement when you use processed meat.

JS: Right. Some kind of consumerist statement, I guess.

DF: In a similar vein then, do you come up with the ideas for your music videos yourselves as a band or do you go to a director?

DV: It depends on the video. Like the "Formula 409" video and the "McDonnelzzz" video were kind of band generated ideas and then the majority of them were kind of in line with the particular director.

DF: I think the question that is basically on everybody's mind who is kind of aware of the Electric Six is the "Gay Bar" music video. First how on earth did that ever happen, and secondly, how much fun was that to make?

DV: The Gay Bar video? It actually wasn't a lot of fun to make. We did it at the tail end of a six week US tour and I just had nothing left in the tank. There were a lot of shots packed into a 24 hour period, I mean it was a very, very, busy time, and a lot of costume changes, and no real breaks in there. And it was literally a 24 hour shoot, because, you know union stipulations, the crew could work only in a 24 hour period otherwise you had to pay them double, so it was kind of like cramming in all these shots, basically shooting from like 6am to 6am. So it was like a long drawn out process, and it was probably like the closest thing I've ever had to a nervous breakdown during that video shoot.

DF: I'm sorry to hear that.

DV: The video worked out great.

DF: I would have to say that it's probably one of the best known videos.

DV: No, you know, that's the thing. When you're on set doing the video you have no idea how it's going to be perceived, and so forth. You know I remember seeing a documentary about the making of Star Wars, like the crew in London were laughing every time they yelled action. They couldn't believe that someone was making this movie. And it's like, you don't realize it while you're doing it, but what you're doing is actually going to turn out good sometimes.

DF: I guess, yeah, you suffer for your art.

DV: Right, but I mean the videos we've done with Tom... have all turned out to be really, really good.

Electric Six's videos are all amazing. My first introduction to them was through the video for "Gay Bar." If that doesn't scare you off from them, probably nothing will. I also recommend the videos for "Formula 409," "I Buy the Drugs," and "Infected Girls."

JS: In an attempt to improve our credibility recently, as a magazine we've been interviewing people. This issue or the next issue rather, has turned into the Interview Issue. We waned to know, since we interviewed OK Go recently, do you think that Electric Six could take them in a fight?

DV: Um, aren't there like four of them?

JS: Yes.

DV: Yeah, then odds are yes, just by numbers.

JS: Numerical superiority and your Detroit edge.

DV: Yeah, we do have the edge. That's a good way of phrasing it.

JS: How would you feel about being drawn on our front cover, possibly fighting OK Go?

DV: I wouldn't lose sleep over it, but I don't look at this as a competition with bands, especially with a band that I have zero problem with or have never met them. But if you want to do that go ahead, but I don't understand.

DF: I mean, I understand, but that was sort of a humorous idea that we were throwing around in the office, but I can see where you wouldn't want to put forth that image.

DV: I understand, I just don't know why that would be funny.

DF: Well, uh. We'll do better coach. We'll do better next time.

DV: No, you're alright.

The idea was that we'd have Electric Six and OK Go fighting the front cover, and maybe John Hodgman and Guy Davis cowering in the back ground glaring menacingly at each, in so far as either can look menacing. We envisioned it to be like they were fighting for space on our cover, but we didn't realize that we were in fact fighting to have them on the cover. That, combined with the fact that we didn't really communicate the concept probably led to the confusion.

DF: So in the "I Buy The Drugs" song, another favorite, you rattle off an address, and I think last year around this time Joe and I actually sent a letter to that address. Um, so is this an actual address, or what happens to these letters? Do they disappear into oblivion?

DV: You're talking about the P.O. box?

DF: Yeah.

DV: Oh um. It's actually one digit away from FOX News, or FOX Broadcasting Corp., but uh, also 90212 rhymes with "send it back to you." It's usually nothing more than trying to get something to rhyme.

JS: Fair enough.

True story. David and I were roommates in the dorms, and in the midst of studying and rocking out to Electric Six one evening, we decided to decode a list from the end of the song "Boy or Girl?" and send it to the address mentioned in "I Buy the Drugs" because we're cool like that. No one wrote back.

DF: I think another question that our staff has had is where can we find a Chocolate Pope, possibly Switzerland?

DV: You could. You can find a lot of chocolate shaped things and sculpture endeavors in Switzerland. I don't know how they feel about the current Pope. We were there recently, and I really didn't have any conversations about it, but I can see, you know the current pope speaks German, and the primary language in Switzerland is German, so there could be that connection.

DF: Very possible. Also, you guys are really popular in the UK. So is that kind of surprising that a Detroit band is crazy popular there and slightly below the radar here, what would you say about that?

DV: It wasn't surprising in that when we did get our first boost of popularity over there, we had seen a couple other bands from Detroit really blow up over there and so when we got our first record deal, Detroit was a real commodity in the UK, in London especially. Like, everyone was crazy about Detroit so we kind of rode the second wave of bands from Detroit being signed over there and by the time we had been over there, Detroit had already been on the map in terms of the UK.

DF: Alright, very cool. So you've said in past interviews that a lot of your music isn't about anything in particular, but just sounds amazing. At the Blind Pig you did comment that the song "Green Building" is about Domino Farms. Was there anything that was really inspiring about it?

DV: Oh yeah. I mean, I drive by that at night all the time, or I used to more frequently, but it's a really impressive building at night and I had always kind of equated it with death, you know. So you know, it's a song about death, but it's also a song about Domino Farms.

DF: I see. That's not a connection that I think a lot of people would make.

DV: Yeah to some degree. I felt like it was very Ann Arbor song. It's got that rotation...

DF: Yeah, I guess. And as a follow up to that song, who is Randy and how is he so hot tonight?

DV: That has nothing to do with anything. We were just trying to think of the most harmless name that you could think of for someone to be hot tonight. I think Gary came in there as well. It's just about a guy who needed some self confidence.

DF: Well, you know a good friend of mine is named Randy, I'll tell you, it's a very confidence boosting song for him.

DV: I like that name. It's a great name.

One of my favorite things about Electric Six is that most of their music is about absolutely nothing. No heavy social commentary, messages about world peace, or any of that bullshit. Just songs about Randy, Domino Farms, and Chocolate Popes. The only politically motivated lyric that I can think of off the top of my head is "Mr. President, you don't know how to rock!" Probably the only thing they've done that I don't care for is a cover of "Radio Ga Ga," and they're not even happy with it, so I feel justified.

DF: I'll let him know. Do you feel that you've really recaptured the sound of Electric Six?

DV: I don't know if there's any one sound per say. I just think that we try to vary the albums; try not to make KILL sound like Flashy, try not to sound like anything we've done before, that's the goal. Anything you go into the studio you try not to repeat what you've already done.

DF: Right, that makes sense. In another interview you said that your were going back in the direction of Fire which is certainly one of my favorite albums of all time, so it was kind of cool to see a little bit of throw-back-iness, but it was very definitely a lot of new material.

DV: Oh well, I mean, I think that we make the correlation to Fire just because there's louder guitars on this record as well, but I don't think the records sound that similar. I think that KILL's a bit more complex, it has a few more things going on, whereas Fire is pretty much the same song over and over again.

DF: But it's a song we like.

DV: Oh no, I get it. I don't dislike Fire, I don't dislike any of the albums.

DF: And you can really, really dance to it, which is good.

DV: I'd like to see that.

DF: I don't think that a lot of people would like to see me dance.

DV: You need a little self confidence.

DF: It's true. Maybe you could write a song for Joe and David or something.

DV: I might be doing that.

This was a bad series of questions, I think. We had read and watched a bunch of previous interviews, and read their press releases to figure out which topics were safe, and which ones might be overplayed. In the one for KILL they talk about going back to the sound of Fire, which is kind of silly. They've always sounded like Electric Six to me.

DF: Well, um, do you have anymore questions Joe?

I do actually have more questions, and by now in the interview I've become comfortable enough talking to Dick Valentine to ask them, but by this point we had been talking to him for about 25 minutes, and he had another interview to do. I'll spare you the details of the awkward good-byes. Suffice it to say that I'll be trying for another interview with the band when they come back in March.

Punday Monday - February 1, 2010

2010-02-01T17:37:51Z

A statue bust is never waisted.

Once, my sister told a joke that was so bad, our uncle hit her. It was a real niece-slapper.

Skid marks in your underwear may be due to your ass fault.

Punday Tuesday - January 26, 2010

2010-01-27T03:37:55Z

There was nearly a crisis at the "Feline Behind" beauty contest at the Furry convention, but disaster was avoided when the winner was presented with a cat ass trophy.

Tori and Amanda had been meeting for coffee every Wednesday morning for years. When Tori missed their weekly gathering, Amanda flipped out and told her that Amanda-Tori meeting is not optional.

Anna worked at a smoothie bar, and was often visited by her husband, Barry, and their two sons. However, they frequently disturbed other customers during their visits and generally made things unpleasant for the staff. Finally one day, the owner issued an ultimatum to ban Anna's boys and Barry.

The Interview Issue Explodes into Existence!

2010-01-26T21:19:14Z

Yes, that's right, our new issue has arrived with EXTREME VIOLENCE! This hot mama means business! Marvel at its many assets!

An interview with Damian Kulash of OK Go
An interview with Dick Valentine of Electric Six
An interview with Guy Davis of B.P.R.D. and The Marquis
An interview with John Hodgman of The Daily Show and Those Apple Commercials
An interview with the collective Dads of the Gargoyle
An essay on racism
A new Sickly Peter
Second-person masturbation
Schroedinger's Cat
How the last dinosaur died
A trip to Grandpa's house
AND SO, SO MUCH MORE

Grab one now on an on- or off-campus distro point near you or subscribe here!

The Cereal Issue (Fall 2009) can now also be downloaded from the archives!

The OK Go Interview Transcript

2010-01-26T05:02:54Z

What follows is a very nearly complete transcript of our ultra-meaty, ultra-entertaining interview with Damian Kulash, lead singer of OK Go, conducted by Sam Nash, Zack Beauvais, and Adrian Choy. The band's new album, Of the Blue Colour of the Sky, is in stores now.

We are greeted by Damian and Andy testing their new, Fenton-made amplifiers. After they are done, Damian asks if we want to go grab a cup of coffee.

On the way to Espresso Royale to "support the locals..."

D: For whom is this interview being conducted?

S: For the Gargoyle Magazine.

D: Is that associated with the college?

All: Yes.

A: We're a humor/culture sort-of-thing going on.

D: Got it. Are you a take on The Onion?

All: No...

Z: Well, there's...see, we just had our hundredth anniversary, like, we were originally supposed to be like the New Yorker and all that. It's kind of an outdated style, but we've kept with it...tried to...The paper that's like The Onion is a lot more popular.

D: Ah, really? Fuckers. Whoever that is, I will beat them down. I will beat them the fuck down.

Z: No, you should. We played them in football and they're assholes.

D: Dicks. Dickwad dickholes.

]]> Z compliments D's style.

D: I'm dressed to kill. I thought this was going to be a fashion shoot, but I guess this is just an interview?...Right now, I am an operating fashion model. In New York and Asia, there is an ad campaign of me wearing fleece. It's very, very good fleece.

A: (Referring to the lack of spark between D's female counterparts and he in the Tokyo fashion shoot) You can't get them all...

D: You can get them all, but you don't want to. Actually you can't, but you can try.

Zack, Adrian, and Sam frantically deliberate upon the correct interview etiquette: should we pay for his coffee? Damian orders a large espresso Americano with 2 shots of espresso, and Zach announces that "We got this." Damian says "No you don't."

Z: Okay, thank you. (satisfied)

D: Are you college students?

Z: Yeah, but...

D: (interrupts) Do you have giant trust funds by any chance?

Z: ...No...and we are a struggling magazine...

Z gets 2 shots of espresso, S gets a small black coffee, A gets large peach iced tea--"a cup of existentialism."

Z: Just to make sure it's alright, we're taping...

D: No! Just kidding. It's much better when people tape, because then they can say the stupid shit that I actually did say, as opposed to stupid shit I didn't say.

Z: I just want to say, I really like the new album...(D: Thank you) I think that's the general consensus.

D: (surprised) Oh, they gave you a copy of it already?

A: To be honest, it took me longer to like it as much as I do right now.

D: It's definitely not what you expect, but it's way better than our other shitty records.

S: So, how do you think the audience will feel about it at first?

D: Uhhh, I don't know. I'm like a nearly psychotic optimist, you know? So I think everyone's going to love it. But I also know that it sounds really different from our other records, so there's sort of no way that the people will, anybody who like those records will be shocked and some of them will be dismayed. Some of them will be like, "Wow, it's even better." I mean, I'm sure we'll lose some fans because of it, but I like it a lot more and it feels more like the music in my head, and I'm much more proud of it than the other stuff.

Z: What did you guys do differently, writing this one, compared with the other ones?

D: There's a lot of ways it was different. I mean, one, we were five years older. We toured for two and a half years with the last record, so, you know, it's like a big life change.

D: (bends towards the iPhone) Do you think it's hearing me?

S: I hope so... (We check to make sure)

D: So, ways in which it was different. We're just different people, our lives had changed a lot. Being away from home for two and a half years and having like, essentially the same day over and over again for those two and a half years is a pretty intense experience and can leave your life in a very fucking weird place. In some ways good, in some ways bad. So, there's one part.

Another part is, we all grew up listening to pretty aggressive boy rock, you know? Like, a lot of DC punk rock, where I grew up in DC, so there's a lot of Fugazi and Shudder to Think, and Jaw Locks and stuff, and I still love those records, but it influenced the way we thought about writing music, which was just like you, chords, you know? Like you just bang on that fucking thing and loud, and it's awesome. And by the time we had a band together, years later, we weren't trying to make music like that, but there was still that influence on everything we were writing; just sit down with a guitar, and then block out these shapes, and then you have music.

After 3 years of touring on those same songs every fucking night, I just, like the idea of going home and sitting in my garage with the amplifier turned all the way up and being like, "This is going to be magnificent!" It felt so fake, and I just didn't want to write from the majesty of rock standpoint anymore, like you know, big big rock chords, and kind of, that type of architectural parts type of music, so it was a bit more--aww, shit (answers phone) Hi, Pete."

D: So, ah, the music was written much more from a "groove" standpoint this time. I mean, most of it was I would come up with a beat or a rhythm or a set of sounds that sort of felt right as opposed to the more architectural, "Now the one chord, now the five chord." I think it became a more melodic record because of it, because all of the songs sort-of started off with feelings as opposed to with, ah, shapes. It's so hard to actually turn these things into words, and I know I'm probably not making much sense. I don't mean emotional feelings, as much as...Well, this is sort of what I think of music-making in general: usually it's 1 plus 1 is 2, and you try that, and it's like "OK, fine...", and you try it over and over again, and it just keeps on being 2, and then eventually, 1 plus 1 is like, 500,000, and you're like "What the fuck just happened?" You know? It's like, some combination of little elements doesn't sound like a combination of those elements anymore, it sounds like an emotion.

Suddenly, two notes on a piano sound like crying, or make you want to cry, or make you want to pump your fists on your bed, or whatever the fuck it is. So this record, instead of trying to start at guitars and end at emotions, we just start with whatever elements had some weird spark of emotion in them. A lot of stuff just started with a sample, or, you know, I just really wanted to hit a bell a lot, you know? There's like bells all over the friction' record...it's all bells.

S: OK, so you guys were away from your families. You're married, Dan's married. So how did you survive that long being on tour?

D: Luck, I guess? It was pretty hard. I'm sorry, it's fun, and there's lots of parts that aren't hard, and I hate reading fucking rock stars be like "Ohhh, my poor life," you know? I could not be more thankful that we get to do what we want to do with our life and that people are willing to support us playing music. It's spectacular pleasure, but you give up certain personal life things--like it's really super hard to maintain relationships, and just to have a certain normal arc to your life, because you come home two and a half years after you left, and dishes are literally in the same pile that you left them in, and you're like "Did I just have some weird fucking dream?" And days are so cyclical, you know? Every day you have this race 'til midnight, essentially: you play a show, you've won the race, or sometimes lost the race (but usually won), and then you start all over again the next day. So it's really weird to wind up several years later, being like "Where did all that time go?"

S: Are there any cities you dread going to?

D: (pauses) Yes.

S: Which ones?

D: Ahhh, no, not going to mention them.

Z: Some regions in the Ozarks?...or...

D: No, um, certain parts of Germany, ummm, you know, it's always a surprise--good shows, like really spectacular, off-the-charts awesome shows can sort of just happen anywhere. What's more regular than bad cities is good cities. Like, it's hard to have a bad show in Austin, Texas. We've almost never had a bad show in DC, or, anywhere in Spain for some reason. Apparently we are exactly what the Spanish ordered. It's great. LA and NYC can be really hit-or-miss, because people can be so above it all. A great show in LA or NY is like, the best thing you can imagine, but a bad show, it's like, they're so snooty and--they're never terrible, but people can be a little offish, you know? And Denton, Texas, for instance--they're not going to be offish. You may not want to got to Denton, but if you get a crowd in Denton, they're going to be fucking fired up.

Z: What were the best and worst shows on your 30-month tour?

D: Boy, um, the worst...The worst was probably in Monkton, Ontario.

All: (murmur of ignorance)

D: There was probably twenty people there, and it was in this club/restaurant sort of thing, where I think it was themed on NY or some place in Europe or something like that, and they had fake building facades in there, and it was just like about 4 degrees Kelvin, and it was fucking cold as nuts, and wet, and we had been driving in a hatchback to get there--and it was like "We drove for 46 hours to get to this?" And it never even got warm inside the club. It was miserable.

Z: Are you going back to Monkton?

D: Probably, I don't know. I mean, probably not, actually. We will play wherever people want us to play. Touring is often 60-70% places where you know that there will be people who want to see you, and then a bunch of it is sort of, "Let's go somewhere in the middle of Nebraska and see if anyone shows up." And sometimes those are the best shows, because you have no idea that there are a bunch of people there that are just waiting for someone to show up, or a bunch of fans that just don't...I mean, a small percentage of fans will just email our website and be like, "I live in this place and you never come, you should come." We pay attention to them. But the vast majority of people who live somewhere in the middle of Wyoming, they're not like, "Come to Wyoming! Come to Wyoming!" So you have no idea. There may be some high school where we just happen to be super huge. A lot of times you just book little cities in the middle of nowhere and see what happens. So, Monkton will probably not be repeated, however, you never know. There will be places like Monkton.

Also, we do a lot of college shows, and colleges can be anywhere, so a lot of times we're playing in towns we've never heard of before. Oh, and then best show. Umm, there are many many more good shows than bad, so it's much harder to pick, because they don't stand out as terrible. I think maybe, we played a show in Taipei, headlined a festival in Taipei, and we were playing in the courtyard of a palace that had been turned into a public park, sort of thing. And there was like 8,000 kids there, and they just went fucking apeshit, and, as far as I know none of them spoke English, but they knew every word that I heard. It was unbelievable. It was really fun.

S: Wow. So, Of the Blue Colour of the Sky is based off of the book by virtually the same name. What themes throughout the book are also present in your CD?

D: Funny you should ask. I don't have my bag with me...I spent the car ride today literally charting them because I think the record cover is going to be a visualization of the crossover in themes. The major one is global assertions, many of which are false. Or things that in retrospect that turned out not to be true. Or things like this earnest desire to find a better way in times that are really tough. Like, I mean, the last few years have been a globally super-difficult time, obviously, and for the band personally, there's been some pretty tough moments, and trying to figure out a way to let your optimism and your happy side have a life even in the face of staggering odds to the contrary can be difficult. I sort of feel like this guy tried to save the world, I mean, this guy thought he was saving the world by bringing everybody the wonder of blue light, and it just so happens that he was just wrong. There's something about the naïve earnestness of it that felt like a lot of lyrics on our record, which are just like, "It's going to be OK! It's going to be OK!", when clearly it's fucking not going to be OK.

S: (laughs) That's a great message.

D: Yeah, well, I'm not saying it's not going to be fucking OK, on the record all I say is "It's going to be OK! It's going to be OK!" But I think that it's sort of clear that the fact that I'm trying to say that so hard, it may suggest that maybe I'm wrong. Like that guy who says, maybe you've never me somebody who's said this, but I have. He said, a bus driver we had once said (in a Southern accent), "My name's Tim, and I'm a really easy guy to get along with." Why would somebody have to tell you they're an easy guy to get along with? He was not an easy guy to get along with.

Z: I want to hear some more about Tim.

D: Tim also said (again in Southern accent), "I got two rules: Don't slam my doors, don't piss on my floors." That was also not true because he had several rules, and one of his other rules was don't touch the DVD player even when you want to put a fucking DVD in there or whatever. I remember him coming into the back lounge and going, "NOW, WHY DO PEOPLE DO THE THINGS I ASK THEM NOT TO DO?" He'd just get so pissed off at everything--everything pissed him off. We finally fired him when we had a roadie, who was black, and he saw him outside the bus one day, and he came right up to him and said, "Mike, you're a piece of shit. You're a piece of shit." Maybe they just didn't get along...it was clear that there was a racial thing going on there, and that was that.

S: If you could perform with any band live, living or dead--

D: (interrupts) We get this question once in a blue moon, and I never know how to answer it because, playing with my favorite bands is just going to make me look like a tool, you know? Like, opening for Led Zeppelin, you're just going to look like a fucking idiot. The things that I would like to tell my kids about...I'd love to play with The Pixies, or Prince. But, in terms of what crowd I would actually like to play in front of, I mean, it's just much closer to home. There's plenty of contemporary bands that are making awesome music and we've played with a bunch of them, others we haven't...I don't know.

Z: Do you think there are any bands that you have influenced?

D: Ones that I know...you mean ones that are well known? (Z: Yeah) I have no idea. But we certainly meet a lot of kids who are like, "My band--it's trying to be your band!" At this point, I mean, we've been doing it long enough that there must be...We definitely meet bands that are younger than us and it sort of shocks us that they were teenagers when we put our first record out. So, probably, I guess.

A: Do you think it's a healthy thing for bands to want to be like a certain band instead of trying to do their own thing?

D: I think when you're 15, it is. I feel like originality is a strange, modern obsession. Steering your own ship and being who you want to be and doing what you want to do is important, but taking influence from other things...it's ridiculous for any rock band to think that they're really that original anymore. Are you serious? Are you using the same four instruments that have been used for the past hundred years, and...everyone's essentially playing Beatles songs with just a slightly different affect on it. Can you imagine if the concertmaster of the Cleveland Symphony was like, "Guys, I'm not fucking playing this Chopin, this is retarded! I will write the music around here!" You know what I mean? Music does not necessarily have to--there are lots of ways that music can exist, and some of it is playing other people's music.

S: Your new single, "Shooting the Moon," is on the Twilight: New Moon soundtrack. (D: 'Tis indeed.) Who do you find more attractive: Edward Cullen, the hot, sullen vampire; or Jacob Black, the rustically sexy werewolf?

D: (without hesitation) Edward.

Z: Are you a big fan of the book...books?

D: Uhh, I am now!

Z: We were hoping that you'd anger the producers or something...

D: No, I, I will be honest...I haven't read the books, but I think anything, this sounds so fucking grandpa, but when you can have a massive international phenomenon that's about reading books--I'm cool with it.

S: You have conquered choreographed dances in backyards and on treadmills. What is the new frontier for this album?

D: I'm sorry but I cannot tell you. I can tell you some of the new frontiers, but there are several--we're making a lot of different videos for this record: one of them is done, three of them are done in various stages, and there are 7 or 10 more that may get made as well. Some of the new frontiers...let's see. One of them is simply...psychedelic color. One of them is the Notre Dame marching band. One of them is...toast (All: Toast?) Yeah...I can't say any more than that, but one of them is at least toasted...toasted stuff. Toasted toast. I mean, I guess that's how you wind up with toast: you toast stuff, right? One of those noun-verb, combination words, you know. It's almost like Smurf. We have a feature-length film, that we want to...it's extremely low budget, feature-length film that we want to film in 14, online, 5-minute segments. But, I don't know if we're going to be able to, because it costs enough that we can't pay for it ourselves. There might be some automobiles involved, and my sister is going to work on a video with us, although I'm not going to tell you what that one's about...and the videos, they're all homemade and very fucking fun: there's people from NASA working with us right now. (Z: WOW.)

Although we're not going to outer space. There's no anti-gravity and there's no outer space...I'll just leave it that so I don't give you the wrong picture. But we have a machine that we are building in Los Angeles that takes four months to build, and we have 14 engineers working on it with us. This is the kind of ridiculous shit you can do if you have a popular video, you can just be like, "Everybody, come with me! We're going to make a machine!" It's wonderful.

Z: On the same line, you band's used new media a lot; the internet has been very good to you (D: It sure has). Do you think you could have gained the same level of popularity and fame in a pre-internet era?

D: (Without hesitation) No. Well, differently. It's hard to imagine the alternate universes in which anyone could have lived, but I know that the openness of the internet and the sort of Wild-West-ness of it has been wonderful to us and for us because our goal is to just keep making shit that we find fun to make. And it's so wonderful to have this medium where there's sort of no restrictions, and in fact the less you observe your restrictions, the more likely you are to succeed. It was the exact opposite in the music industry of 1995, or 1965, even, I mean, less so 1965 than 1995. Around the time, right before we started our band when I was in college, the way music worked, was there was a guy in a big leather chair, who was like "These are the four things that we're going to make popular this year," and they did. If you had a huge hit song, you then had to rewrite that hit song over and over again for he rest of your life. Even true, honest geniuses get stuck with this.

I mean, do you think if Kurt Cobain was alive he would be doing experimental music right now? He would be playing Nirvana songs and writing Nirvana songs. In fact, a friend of mine had lunch with a variety of people, and one was one of the guys from Metallica, and I don't remember which guy from Metallica it was, which makes the story less interesting, but he (Z: Call him "Lars.") Yeah, we'll say he's Lars. So Lars was like, "So what are you doing?" and he was like, "I write copy for an add agency, but I also have a band, and I'm working on this really crazy project where I'm using xylophones and banjos and electric guitar..." and Lars was like, "Aw man, I wish I could do that!" and he was like, "Dude, you can do whatever you want; you're in Metallica!" and Lars was like, "No, dude, I can't do whatever I want; I'm in Metallica." And it's totally true: even when Metallica tried to do their big symphonic thing, people were just like, "BULLSHIT!" you know?

There's still things that people are good at and things they're not good at, I'm not saying that everybody should be allowed to do everything all the time, but one wonderful thing that the internet has allowed for is people who just want to make weird shit, or push the boundaries---there's a way to do it. Like, if we had had a massive radio hit, if "Get Over It" had come out five years before and had been a big radio hit, then we would have had to be that "Get Over It" band forever, basically. We would have had to write another song that sounded sort of like that, because if you don't get back on the radio, then the people who bought your record in the check out aisle of Wal-Mart won't see your record in the check out aisle of Wal-Mart because it won't be there because you're not on the radio. You get pigeon-holed into this very---it becomes a job to stay exactly who you are. No one's expecting us to dance on elliptical trainers, as far as I know, and if anyone's expecting it---you've got another thing coming. The only precedent that I think we've set for ourselves is as long as it's weird and unexpected and fun. That's such a wonderful freedom to have, which we definitely would not have had in a different era. There is a long-winded answer to your question.

Z: No, that was good. Coming through from that, it sounded like your rise to popularity helped influence your opinion on Net Neutrality. Kind of in line with that, what's your biggest fear for something that could happen to the internet?

D: Spiders.

Z: Spiders?

D: Spiders are gonna fucking tear the internet down. I mean, spiders are scary in general, but when it comes to electric spiders---the fuckers. (We laugh as we finally realize that "spider" is not an internet term, but a clever pun on the "Web"). No, uh, My biggest fear about the internet is that it will become more-or-less owned or controlled by telecom companies. We're very lucky that we now have a much more sympathetic FCC. Electropolitics are such a weird game---people vote on guns, gods, and gays, and they think that that's all that they're voting on. Like, "I don't like this guy because he doesn't like abortion," or "likes abortion," or whatever. There's not enough people paying attention to realize that administration picks the FCC along with like, a bajillion other posts that they make, and those low-level and mid-level positions that actually effect day-to-day policy are so vastly important. If Barack had not won this election, Net Neutrality would probably have been fucked already because the FCC was basically on the verge of giving it to AT&T.

Z: You've done a lot of...activism, or whatever you call it (D: Doogooderism)...Yes. Do you feel that you have a social responsibility now, being in the public eye?

D: I feel like individuals have individual responsibilities. If I am best suited to publicize a particular thing, then in some way that becomes my responsibility, or at least my opportunity. One of the reasons why I'm so involved in Net neutrality is because we are really a poster boy style case: the band who made a video for five dollars and got downloaded 10 million times---you basically cannot find a better one-liner sentence for that. So I got to testify my one-liner sentence in front of Congress and it's not so much a responsibility as an opportunity, I guess. There's a lot of musicians, and bleeding heart Lefties in general, who just want to mean everything to everyone all the time---I mean, is there a cause that Moby has not championed? Does anyone listen to Moby anymore? Maybe. I have no idea. I mean, not musically, but when he's saying (effeminate voice), "But everybody, the world is screwed in this particular way," it's like, "Come on, Moby. You said that yesterday!" I feel like using him as an example is perhaps a little bit cruel, but I have been selective about the things that I choose to publicly represent. I'm very close with my family, and my family's very service-oriented, and I had grown up thinking that it was people's responsibility to be involved in the community around them and to be generally responsible.

S: On the note of "social responsibility," your grandfather invented the modern day fish stick. How do you plan to continue this legacy?

D: Do you think that that was socially responsible or irresponsible?

S: I think it was socially responsible to make a fish...snack.

D: My mother and I were actually talking about this recently, 'cause I'm kind of a food nerd and I live in Los Angeles where there's really good local produce all year round, and I can buy my food at a farmer's market, and I really like cooking---I'm a snob. I cook for my parents a lot, and they know I'm a food snob, and I was having this conversation with my mom. She really respects that I care about local and organic food and that I actually like eating that way, and she was like, "Oh, it's so funny, your grandfather would just be rolling in his grave." Not because of how I eat, but, my grandfather worked in the food industry in the '40s and '50s and then they thought that industry would save world hunger---that industrial food was the way to feed the hungry. And the truth is, that's still actually true: numbers just don't add up--the entire world cannot eat fancy, local organic food. Not to get all foody and political. There's no way I'm going to top the wonder that was my grandfather. He is such, such a wonderful man.

S: It's hard to top fish sticks...

D: Yeah, fish sticks...and my other grandfather, my paternal grandfather, discovered a species of beetle (S: Glyphonix Kulashi)...Yeah, you're on top of it. (S: I did my research) It's actually Glycolix, I think, but yeah.

Z: A lot of the band members, it seems, have very renowned grandparents.

D: Yeah, Tim's grandfather won the Japanese version of the Nobel Prize.

Z: Who's the coolest of the grandparents, just between you and us?

D: Of the grandparents? My grandfather, definitely. I mean, clearly. Is Tim even fucking here? (Z: No) Talk about responsibility--where's Tim's responsibility to you, his adoring public? I mean, his adoring public through you. And to me. What's he do, leave me? I've got to do all the work around here, Tim? I mean, come on. I've never met Tim's grandfather, so I really can't say, but I can say that my grandfather was a spectacularly wonderful guy. And a great circus leader.

(Stopped recording for a minute...talking about family)

D: So, she grew up in the suburbs of Boston, and they had this little cottage up in New Hampshire, and we would all be up there over the summer, and he would bring us over to his house and he would just pump us full of sugar. He would give these 14 kids basically as much candy as they could possibly eat, and then put on circus music, and yell, "HERE COME THE ANIMALS!" and go stomping around the house with this gaggle of berserk kids who are literally shaking out of their minds because of the sugar rush. And then just be like, "Everybody go home," and leave us in the hands of our parents. There's basically nothing crueler that you can do than hand somebody a 4-year-old who's basically hopped up on crack, you know?

Z: Do you have any style tips you can give our readers? You guys seem to be very snappy dressers, and style seems to be really big part of your show.

D: My advice to your readers is to never overlook your socks: sock choice is very important.

Z: Speaking of which, what are you wearing today?

(Damian shows Zach and the camera his socks)

D: Don't forget the details, kids. Don't forget the details.

A: That's where the devil is...

D: Yes, the devil is in there. And I, being named Damian, I have a close affinity for the devil.

S: You've done a lot of interviews and you've been asked a lot of questions; is there anything that you haven't been asked that you would like to be asked?

D: No. (S: No?). I don't think so. I get asked that question a lot, and if at any point there were questions I would have liked to be asked, I've expended them. My feeling about interviews and about this side of being in a rock band is--I don't feel like there are all these messages that I have to get out there. I like talking to people who are interested in what we are doing, and I like answering the questions, but I myself and not particularly interested about me. Other people may be, but having sated my own curiosity about myself a long time ago, I don't have any questions about me.

A: So, the cover's probably going to be illustrated, and because this is the cover piece (D: (slightly shocked) This is the cover piece? Wow...) Yes, on the prestigious Gargoyle Magazine. Anyway, is there any certain way that you want the band illustrated? Any scenarios? (D: Awesomely) ...As specific as that is...

D: Well, what are you awesome at?

S: Hamburgers.

Z: I hear you cook a mean one.

D: I do cook good hamburgers.

Z: Well, I guess we have copies of the issue for you, if you would like to take those.

D: I would love to take those. (looks at issues) I suspect you will do just fine. How do you think I should be illustrated?

S: On Segways in space!

D: If that's how you see us.

Z: I mean, that's how seeing you in person has been.

D: I mean, I have a stellar vibe coming off. I did an interview yesterday with Alternative Press, you know that magazine? He kept saying, "It sounds like this record came out of a Van Allen belt, and I guess it's true; it sorta does have an outer space vibe to it.

Z: Our editor was asking about a track...I forget what track it was...but it kind of sounds like it has a robot voiceover.

D: Oh, "Before the Earth Was Round?"

Z: Yeah. What was the inspiration, or, did you have an actual robot?

D: Well, I am the robot. It's a vocoder, which is a type of robot. There was a lot of fighting in the writing of this record, with myself, about what is good and what is bad. Which is to say I'm incredibly self-critical, so I basically spit out all these music ideas and then I hate them. At some point you have to stop thinking that you know everything, and because I obviously do know everything, it's difficult for me. So that song was mostly about trying to respect that contradiction and mystery are more exciting than fucking thinking that you know everything all the time, and having it all line up. The metaphor of the song is that, when people didn't know anything, wildness was afoot everywhere and it was a wonderful place, and then revelation happened, and everybody got boring and went to war.

Z: What's your favorite joke?

D: Is this a...particularly, religious student body?

S: Ehhh, we're heathens.

D: 'Cause my favorite joke right now is not popular with religious people, but...(Z: You'll be fine with our audience). How do you get a nun pregnant? (S: How?) You fuck her.

Z: I like it.

A: One to tell grandma...

D: Do I have any other good jokes...So, this guy walks into a bar. Shouldn't he have ducked? I wish I had more zaniness for you, but I guess I don't.

Z: We'll see all the zaniness on the stage.

D: Yeah, well, I have been remarkably brutally, cruelly sarcastic on this run, so I'll probably be extremely mean to the audience.

We leave, and almost get Damian run over by oncoming traffic. The End.

Something This Way Comes

2010-01-24T20:34:14Z

HEY! YOU! There's a new Gargoyle issue coming out, THIS WEEK!!!

What, are you serious?

YES, YOU! We are serious!

Well, why should I read this newest compilation of all things arty, ridiculous, and inappropriate?

WELL, we have an interview with OK GO! Lead singer/guitarist Damian Kulash, for starters.

Wowzers! That's impressive. What are the chances I'll also find interviews with Electric Six front man Dick Valentine, Hellboy illustrator Guy Davis, and John Hodgman?

FAIR TO EXCELLENT.

Well I'm sold. One last question: why would I read Gargoyle Humor Magazine instead of, say, the "Every Three Weekly?"

GOOD QUESTION, let's ask a celebrity. Hey Damian Kulash, what do YOU think about the E3W?

THERE YOU HAVE IT. New garg issue this week! Coming to an Ann Arbor business or newsrack near you! If that's not good enough, subscribe here: http://gargmag.com/store.html

Punday Monday - January 18, 2010

2010-01-19T05:24:30Z

Cripples are lame.

Skeptic tank - a critic that's full of shit.

Drat! The leftovers were foiled again!

Punday Monday - January 12, 2010

2010-01-12T07:48:39Z

Tomorrow is payday, but until I receive my 100 grand, I need to scrape together some change from twix the couch cushions to survive this financial crunch. I found mounds of whatchamacallits, but zero money. I'll probably starve to death.

Mending the tear in these pants is seamingly impossible.

McDonald's is a well greased machine.

On Difficult Professions

2010-01-07T19:11:55Z

"Steady now, Ensign, that speeding car isn't necessarily going to try to ram the wooden gate," the Security Chief said blandly, "No, it's likely going to turn wildly... yes... and drive clear through the--" the bright orange 77' Chevelle plowed through the wooden security station, losing only a fraction of its impressive velocity, and leaving the remains of a very shaken-up security crew the task of extracting itself from the wreckage, "...security post," finished the Security Chief, before losing consciousness for what would be the last time.

Ensign Ensign, the unfortunately named henchman, had been the luckiest of those manning the security post and had only suffered a mild concussion and some of the worst splinters he'd ever experienced.

]]>
"Look, it just doesn't make any sense, is what I'm saying! These damned secret agents and government operatives always bust through and kill half of us. No care for the working man! They just drive over any bloke in the wrong uniform and don't even consider the perils of being a professional henchman. I've got a family, the Security Chief had a family, it's just bad luck that we happen to be in this business. And look! We're in the middle of the bloody desert! Our gate only blocks the dirt road and there's no fence; the cheeky bastards could have just driven around us!"

It was at this point that the equally-unfortunately named henchman, private Private, spoke up:

"Not to be distracting, uhm, Ensign, but, isn't "ensign" a Nautical rank?"

Ensign Ensign turned to regard private Private with a cold fury.

"Yes, private Private, it is. I was on an evil oil derrick before I was transferred here, and--"

"What's so evil about an oil platform?" private Private interrupted.

"An evil oil derrick, private," the ensign corrected, "There's a terminology for these things. Now, we were--"

"oh yeah, I heard about one of them once. Derricks, that is. Caught fire out in the Pacific, near all the crew died in the blaze."

Ensign Ensign desperately yearned to redirect the conversation.

"Fascinating. As I was saying--"

"Did you ever die in a blaze? When you were on the derrick?" Private Private was not to be deterred.

"No, you idiot!" Ensign shouted in exasperation, "How else could I be standing here listening to the mindless drivel you call speech?"

"I figured you could be a hologram," private Private suggested.

"A holo-what?"

"You know, an image made of light what can look just like a person or a bulldog. Or a pot of petunias. Made with lasers and such."

"Do I look like a load of bloody petunias, Private?!?"

"Not especially, sir."

"You're bloody well right I don't!" Upon this point, ensign Ensign was adamant. He was not to be mistaken for a plant again. All of the survivors had gathered by now, having fished out the dead and wounded from the carnage, to watch as ensign Ensign composed himself and finally managed to conclude his story:

"I was stationed on an evil oil derrick in the Mediterranean, henching, as we are now, when suddenly, there's an enormous plane flying overhead. We try to shoot it down and as it flies overhead, the back opens up and what comes flying out? A BLEEDING CAR! A BRIGHT-ORANGE SODDING AUTOMOBILE! It crushes the blazes out of everyone on deck, drives around for the better part of half an hour, smashing everything, then zooms off to land on a surfacing submarine. I only survived because I jumped off the deck and was eaten by a whale and later rescued by a Japanese whaling fleet."

"Right impressive, that is," commented an awestruck henchman.

"But that's not even the point! The point is--" Whatever ensign Ensign's point might have been, it was by all accounts far less pointy than the altogether pointier remnants of a barbed-wire fence attached to the bumper of the 77' Orange Chevelle that was rapidly approaching. The throaty growl of the Chevelle's big block 8-cylinder engine overpowered ensign Ensign's tirade as the speeding vehicle swerved to overpower the bodies of the remaining henchmen still gathered around the ravaged checkpoint. In the last few moments of his life, watching as death approached in the guise of an orange muscle car, ensign Ensign contemplated the idea of reincarnation and decided that he was in favor of being reborn as something else. So long as it wasn't a pot of petunias.

Baconade!

2010-01-04T17:11:36Z

Woah! Holidays anyone? We at Gargoyle sincerely hope you had an enjoyable holiday season and a Happy New Year! (Except for you, China. You don't get a 'happy new year' until you move it to the same time as everybody else. February?? Really?? You, too, Serbia - get on the ball*.)

Anyhoo, We hope you're ready for a whole new decade of decadence and debauchery from your favorite Humor Magazine! You can read us at the gym, while not eating junk food, while quitting smoking, while quitting drinking, AND while realizing that this year won't actually be any different than the last. Enjoy!

*Like the one that drops in Times Square. In DECEMBER.

New Year New Comic (Click to make it BIGGER)

2009-12-27T20:13:22Z