Music

Today is a sad day for Americans, folks. And by Americans, I mean U of M students. And by U of M students, I mean Gargoyle fans. And by Gargoyle fans, I mean people who read this blog. So, really, it's a sad day for like, two compsci majors up on north campus and one very angry woman who works at Wolverine Towers and whose favorite beverage is Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi. That probably seemed like some oddly specific random string of things that I just made up, right? Wrong. It's actually a bit of a Gargoyle in-joke. Want to get in on it? Join the Gargoyle! [/shamelessplugthreepeatyessss]

By now, most of you probably know that I am a fickle man. I have, at various times, abandoned the Gargoyle for every college magazine I've deemed funnier (all of them except the Lampoon. Sellouts.) only to return after being rejected on the total bullshit grounds that "you have to be a student to write for a campus publication." Yeah, right. SURE that's the reason. This is just blatant discrimination of the worst kind - worse than racism, agism, sexism, and hitchhiker'sthumbism combined. They won't let me join their magazines because I'm a Ke$ha fan, those bastards. But the Gargoyle welcomes even those as tragically flawed as me (And you! You should join! [/shamelessplugagain]), so it looks like I'm here to stay.

Except, by here, I don't mean here. 'Cause the entire reason why I'm even going on about this tangent about being fickle is because I regret to inform you that even though I made my triumphant return to music reviews just two weeks ago, this will be my penultimate blog post. I have super secret senior content editor duties to do now which totally DOES NOT mean being our Editor-in-Chief's bitch. Seriously, guys. I'm totally not. Plus, now that Ross is the web editor, once Allison returns on June 18th to refill the fourth blogger position I'll be about as vestigial as snake feet, appendixes, or the penis of every male member of our staff. But I'm going to go out with a bang, so this week, I'm treating you to my review of what is widely considered to be one of the most bizarre music videos of all time: Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." The video can be found here and my review can be found after the jump.

Ladies, gentlemen and Gaga fans, it's been far too long. Except for the Gaga fans. For you, it will never be long enough. Nothing against you personally, I just can't really respect you because you're worshipping a concept-thieving thiefy thief. For more details, check out the philosophy page of the new issue of the Gargoyle, out now! [/shamelessplug] Yeah, anybody remember HTML end tag jokes? No, I didn't think so.

I'm sorry that I've forced you to suffer nearly a month and a half now without my music video reviews telling you what to watch and enjoy. It must have been rough for you. Free will can be a scary thing. But it's okay, because I'm back now to tell you how to think once again. Music video reviews should be a regular occurrence once again now that Gargoyle corporate restructuring is over and that silly web editor position has been lifted off my back and dumped on Ross' (chump!) So, to herald my triumphant return, I present my music video review for Jessie J's "Price Tag." The video can be found here, and the review can be found after the jump.

As you may or may not know and definitely don't care about, the Gargoyle recently sent a delegation of staff members to Princeton for the first annual National Intercollegiate Humor Conference. Unfortunately, because of who was hosting the conference, the funniest and most exciting part of the trip was the 11 hour drive to get there. And that drive took us through Ohio. So that's saying something. It was during this drive that inspiration struck in the form of four men singing a sappy breakup/love song along with the radio - as inspiration often does. And thus, I knew what my next music video to review would be. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Jar of Hearts.

Alright, everyone, you know what day of the week it is, and you know what that means it's time for. Well, maybe I'm assuming too much. Maybe you don't know what day of the week it is. Allow me to tell you.
Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today it is Friday, Friday. Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.

Oh yes, you better believe I'm jumping on this bandwagon. You've undoubtedly heard the song. Statistically speaking, you've probably already murdered someone out of the sheer blind rage caused by having it stuck in your head (this ever-expanding phenomenon of people killing each other after listening to "Friday" has come to be known as the Black Plague 2). You've probably seen the music video. But there's a difference between seeing something and understanding it, and this particular music video has left many of its viewers dumbfounded and unable to process what they've just experienced. So allow me to be your guru - your sensei - your spirit animal, if you will - and break it down for you after the jump.

Today's music video comes from an artist who you may or may not have heard of. I normally don't like picking videos so obscure for fear of alienating my readers, but I thought I'd make an exception this one time and see what you all think. Anyways, it comes from an artist by the name of Britney Spears. I know her name won't ring any bells, but you'll more likely recognize her more famous sister, Jamie Lynn, for her award-winning role in Zoey 101. Naturally, I've followed all the hot news about Jamie Lynn since her meteoric rise to fame, but I had to do some research to find out about this Britney girl. I discovered that not only do the Spears girls share ill-conceived pregnancies in common, but ill-conceived filmography, as well. For Jamie Lynn, as I'm sure you were previously aware, I'm referring to the career-sinking move that was Unstable Fables: The Goldilocks and the 3 Bears Show.
Can you guess which one was her?

For Britney, I'm referring to the music video for her breakthrough single "Hold It Against Me," which can be found here. After the jump, you can find out why I think this will be not just the new pop starlet's first, but her only music video.

It's a very special time for fans of The Gargoyle. One of those rare times when laughter will fill every corner of the campus as students and staff alike revel in the greatest humorous writing the University of Michigan has to offer.
What? The new issue? No, screw that. Nobody reads our actual magazine. That's for wiping up after making your contribution to the Angell Hall restrooms. I'm talking about real humor: my music video reviews.
This time, we have another hit from everyone's favorite gospel-singer-turned-faux-lesbian, Katy Perry. Firework may not have the heart and soul of California Gurls, but it's been near the top of the the charts so damn long I figured it deserved some attention, at least. You can find the video here, and you can learn what to think of it after the jump.

When I first heard the name "Bruno Mars," I assumed the CW Network was attempting a spinoff of that Kristen Bell series from a couple of years back. My next hypothesis was that the second member of the Elite Four had given himself a fake last name and started singing pop music. Presumably, because he was fired from his old job for losing to a ten year old. Judging by this year's TV schedules, I was wrong with the first guess, but the verdict's still out on the second.

Your mind = blown.

Whatever he is, lately there's been a lot of buzz about his latest single, "Grenade." So much buzz, in fact, that it's caused people to draw comparisons between him and Michael Jackson here and here.
Okay, okay, I'm going to make the obvious joke:
What's the difference between Bruno Mars and Michael Jackson?
(answer after the jump)

Similar to Santa or the Great Pumpkin, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. So I know that you were a little disappointed by all of your gifts this holiday season, and were looking for something a little more under the tree/menorah/whatever the hell they have for Kwanzaa. Well, I'm here to deliver it to you. No, I'm not talking about that pony or new vibrator you wanted (sorry Mrs. Coleman) - I'm talking about part two of my music video review of Ke$ha's "Take It Off!"

As I explained last time, there are two major videos for this song - the official one, and the "Ke$ha and Friends" version. For fear of going insane or having our faces melted off, we only covered the first last time, but now we will once again brave the arc-of-the-covenant-level danger that is Ke$ha's mind to dissect the second video for this song. You can find it here.

But to give you fair warning, side effects of watching this video may include, yknow, this:
Brave souls can continue reading after the jump.