Essays

Baggy, Short Jean Shorts: While acceptable in certain occasions, they should never cut off before the knee and be as loose as parachute pants.

by Peter Eldred, Age 14:

So, the other day Stu and I got high with Jacob and were walking down South U toward State, because we'd been to Panchero's. I had a steak quesadilla. It could have been better, to be honest. On South U, though, we watched a raccoon baby and a raccoon mother (I assume they were related) poke their heads out of the sewer grate on the side of the street. They live in the sewer. That's not even sad for a raccoon. That's a fucking nice pad. Lots of trash to eat, I'll bet. Anyway, we saw these raccoons. It was pretty fucking cute. I would like to see that again, I think. Except in the rain. God, that would be cinematic. That's getting close to baby seal proportions. Yeah. Really cute. That's all.

I'm a girl of simple desires and aspirations. I don't want much, but one of the things I've always wanted to do is see popular '90s multi-hit wonder Smash Mouth perform live. I can only imagine how fun it would be, singing enthusiastically along with such songs as "Walking On the Sun," "All Star," and that cover of "I'm A Believer" they did for Shrek and then listening with mild curiosity to whatever other songs Smash Mouth has written.

But it seems the fates are conspiring against me.

It's time for the Gargoyle Online Article section's tri-monthly update. This time we have two passionate and wildly dissenting cereal reviews by Stuart Vandenbrink that I should have uploaded two months ago when I received them. Oh, well. Perhaps I was drunk. Click on the article-title-link-thing to read them. Now.