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  • Writer's pictureAnnika Smits

Clifford's Big Red Obituary


Today we honor the life of America’s favorite Big Mistake: Clifford the Big Red Dog. On the morning of January 21st, 2024, Clifford stepped into the street and was struck by Roger the Bigger Red Car and was killed instantaneously. Clifford will be remembered by his owners, the neighborhood pups, and the living other members of Epstein’s list. We will all remember Clifford for his community involvement, such as his accidental use of the mayor as a squeaky toy, causing intermittent urine flooding of the city streets, and successfully establishing creationist theory in all public schools. 

Although Clifford’s origins remain suspicious, we understand that he was affiliated with the CIA's Cold War experiments in genetically engineering creatures. After his release, he lived a fulfilling life, beginning with graduating from PragerU. He then went on to star as the atomic bomb in Oppenheimer, receiving nominations from the Academy Awards and the American Kennel Club. Clifford leaves behind his doghouse in Miami and his collection of vaguely human-shaped bones. 

The viewing will be held in the empty Walmart parking lot off of I-96. Please feel free to grab a spare tupperware to take home some of the ashes, as his cremation was too large to store. 

Instead of flowers, please consider a donation to PETA, to prevent the creation of new Big Red Dogs. 

  In other news: the city of Ann Arbor is currently seeking sanitation volunteers to help clean Big Red Guts off the sidewalks.

By Victoria Cattermole

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