Philosophy Student is a Jerk: Thanksgiving
by Sujay Kulkarni
A family meets for Thanksgiving dinner.
Mom: *tapping her glass* Ahem, ahem, everyone – excuse me. I just want to say that I’m so happy to have everyone over. Cousin Raymond, my brother Mark and little Tommy, and of course, Sujay, who’s back from the university! Sujay, what’s your major again?
Sujay is sitting in ‘Thinker’ pose, wearing a Supreme beanie and a toga
Sujay: *grinning* Mind Magic.
Mom: Right. Cousin Raymond, you and Sharon flew all the way from San Diego. What’s new?
Raymond: Yes, well, we actually have some good news. Our daughter’s preschool teacher calls us one night and tells us that after comparing her to her classmates, she has reason to believe Kimberly is one of the top toddlers in the state. We’re just so proud of our little girl.
Mom: Oh, that’s incredible. We’re so happy –
Sujay swivels around.
Sujay: Cousin Raymond, would you agree that a calf that is first to walk is favored by the mother?
Raymond: Uh - what?
Sujay: Would you say a boat that set sail before others will fare better against strong tide?
Raymond: I guess not. How does this have to do with Kimberly?
Sujay: And you would agree that a tadpole likened only to a miniscule puddle cannot be compared against a great lake of froglets?
Raymond: Yeah – actually, yeah, I agree.
Sujay: So there’s a chance that Kimberly is one of the state’s dumbest toddlers, and even if she was smart, it would be negligible?
Sujay: And if little Kimberly were to tell you anything different, you would be sure to voice my argument?
Raymond: Why wait? I’ll call home right now. *dials* Honey, you’re dumb and your accomplishments mean nothing.
Mom: Um, okay. Mark! Mark, is it true Tommy is in for a real surprise for Christmas this year?
Mark: Yeah, but it’s Thanksgiving right now. Don’t be stupid, Maria.
Mom: Mark please.
Mark: Oh right, Santa told me that Tommy is on the good list, so he’ll get something great next month.
Tommy: Really? I knew he was real! I knew it because if he wasn’t real, there would’ve been cookies left on our plate last Christmas.
Mom: That’s so sweet -
Sujay: *clears throat* Tommy, I’m going to interpret this charitably. 1 – If Santa exists, the cookies will be gone by Christmas. 2 – The cookies were gone by Christmas. 3 – In conclusion, Santa exists. Would you concur?
Sujay: Now consider this, Thomathan, if a bird is a duck, it has a beak. If a bird has a beak, would it obviously be a duck?
Tommy: No, I don’t think so
Sujay: And if a boat sailed the Aegean Sea, it would be damaged by the harsh ocean. If a boat were damaged, has it sailed the Aegean Sea?
Mark: Dude, what’s with you and boats?
Sujay: So you would observe that your logic eats itself, Tommy, and Santa’s existence is still in question?
Tommy: Santa’s dead?
Sujay: *theorizes into distance* Morality is dead.
Mom: Okay! That’s enough chit chat. Why don’t we all eat? Cousin Raymond, I made your favorite mashed potatoes!
Raymond: Just call me Raymond!
Mom: Sujay, I did not forget your request. Wine and bread!
Sujay: *dunks the bread in wine* Bless you, Mother. I am thankful for the gifts bestowed upon me, my superior logic skills, my vast mental capacity, and my Zaragon West flat. I sense not a purpose to strive for perfection but to open my head and share it with the world. Yes, I am 17, but I say, wasn’t Plato once a ten year-old? I declare, I decree -
Sujay collapses onto the table