Using the hacking technology of the News of the World, the Gargoyle was able to secure an advanced copy of Ms. Duff's Ultrasound.

In light of the recent debt crisis I've decided to make my own plan, outlined to inform our president of how handling debt should really be done.

To Our Royal Highness (and seasoned man with an inexorable fashion sense),

(Because there was no one else to talk to that day).

Me: Hey there, Radio! Whatcha doing today?

Radio: Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just wanna lay in my bed.

Me: Oh. Well, all right, then, what about Saturday? Want me to call Saturday?

Radio: Don't feel like picking up my phone. So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything.

Me: I'm asking you about Saturday. And you know how much leaving voicemails freaks me out. Sometimes you're really insensitive, you know that?

Radio: I'm gonna kick my feet up. Then stare at the fan.

Me: Pretending to go comatose isn't helping, Radio.

Radio: Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants

Me: ...

So yesterday I tried to rent Insidious from the Redbox at Kroger, but apparently it was out of stock. I say 'apparently' because I'm still convinced that they have 40 copies of it in there, and when they claim to have...what is it this week, oh, Blue Crush 2...that they actually don't have any, and stock the good movies in its place instead.

What did I get instead?!? After the jump.

Let's be honest. Michelle Bachmann is wildly unqualified for any kind of public office. But more importantly, the vast amount of entertainment available to us is pretty awesome. And you know what makes good entertainment? Besides dick jokes? Good actors. I specify actors because print media is dead. Having the right actors makes or breaks a series. Of course, this means good actors are in high demand, resulting in the most talented actors being recycled. Which is where things get a little incestuous. Yes, right now the actor on screen may be playing a struggling suburban father. But just last week he was a Thai hooker. It gets confusing. That's why I endorse wholly embracing this phenomenon. Here are my suggestions: 

Here's a little comic I drew.  A similar version will be in the next issue, but drawn by an artist.

Well, after over six weeks, I have finally returned from my sabbatical in the wilderness that we know as Maine. After wandering through this desolate land of wannabe Stephen King terrors and small-town people with indefinable accents, I managed to reach the final stage of enlightenment. Yes, enlightenment. I have finally realized what my life's work should be, and have come to terms with the meaning of my existence.

But until Joss Whedon's Firefly returns to television and My Little Pony disappears from the internet altogether, said work cannot take place. Therefore, I have decided to resume my web writing for the Gargoyle to pass the time. And, since I am a generous higher power, I have decided to impart some of the ancient wisdom that I have gained from the wild after the jump. Be grateful, lesser beings. Be grateful.

Instead of taking my normal approach to writing this blog post (writing literally whatever pops into my head) I think I'm going to make a playlist of great summer songs.
Because if you read this blog you either appreciate music or you're a hipster. Probably both, let's be honest.

You wanna look fly? Hot? Loquacious? Whatever other hip adjectives the kids are using these days? Don't sweat it. The Gargoyle's got your back. And front. And other parts. There is only one look this summer that is any good, seen here on Lenny Kravitz.

That's right. He has a corded telephone receiver plugged into his smart phone. Because when you look this cool, you can do whatever you want. Lenny also has horses that pull his Rolls-Royce. He sticks leeches on the end of his vaccination syringes. He even wraps a rosary around his condom before making sweet passionate love the way only Lenny Kravitz can. But anyway. Let's get back to what's important. Supply-side economics. No. Wait. Fashion. If you wanna pull this look off, follow these simple steps.

1. Buy the clothing and accessories 
2. Become Lenny Kravitz.

Simple. Should step 2 fail, resign yourself to accept your fate. You will never be Lenny Kravitz. Or look this good. My condolences.