Stuck With Band Aid

By Charlie Splete

You fell in love with their charitable hit “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”. Now, pop-rock amalgam Band Aid has a brand new song: “Are They Aware Of Our New Waterproof

Seal?”. Bob Geldof and Co. have produced a heartwarming new tune about the wonders of advanced bandage technology and the immense medical influence of Johnson & Johnson. “We feel really strongly about this charity,” Geldof commented while in a portajohn at Live Aid, “all proceeds will go directly to the conglomerates at pharmaceutical corporations in need.” With the exception of speedo-clad former Police frontman Sting, who was busy filming David Lynch’s Dune (oof), all of your favorite artists return to harmonize about commercial medicine. And with lyrics like “seal our wounds to help us heal / for $1.49 our gauze is a

steal,” consumers can rest easy knowing their superior music taste also happens to lend a helping hand. 7” singles are available at your local record store accompanied by a B-side of Phil Collins’ hit “Sussudio,” as well as a free trial bandage previously used by Bono himself.*

*While supplies last (surprisingly ample quantity)