A screenplay
by Sarah Aftab
INT. THE GREAT HALL OF A CHICKEN SHAPED CASTLE
There is a group of young quail eggs singing as a coronation ceremony for his highness Prince Humpty Dumpty commences.
CHOIR BOYS
♪ Praise be the giant yolk in the sky. For the rich yellow fills this land and our hearts with the pride of the One True Chicken who has blessed us white and oblong- ♪
PERSON 1 IN THE AUDIENCE
Isn’t this kinda awkward for them to sing that...?
PERSON 2 IN THE AUDIENCE
I don’t think so. I mean how lucky for these poor little quail’s eggs. It gives the most articulate among them a chance out of that place and to be here with us.
Humpty walks down the aisle to the coronation stage and as he steps up he places a hand on a young egg in the choir who then shudders as Humpty winks at a man in the crowd sporting a thick mustache.
EXT. THE CASTLE WALL- TWO YEARS LATER
There is an egg broken into many pieces with the yolk splattered in the bushes in front of a castle wall. Villagers gather around and begin speculating about what happened.
VILLAGER WITH ONE EYE
Eww the yolk is everywhere! Do you think a guard fell from the wall well on patrol?
VILLAGER WITH HAIRLINE FRACTURE
Possibly I mean what else-
VILLAGER WITH ONE EYE
OH MY GOD IT’S THE PRINCE!
Close in on the body to see his crown. All of the king’s soldiers and all the king’s men arrive and attempt to put the prince back together again.
VILLAGER WITH HAIRLINE FRACTURE
He must have been taking his morning walk when he had a great fall.
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
-or was he pushed? (very dramatically and in a very exaggerated New York accent definitely fake).
The detective, mid 40s with a large mustache, takes off his aviators even more dramatically. He begins to push through the crowd of villagers.
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Alright Alright nothin to see here folks-Oh god the white and the yolk have mixed! (he dry heaves a little)
Reggie sees something near the body. He calls over his partner Gregg (early 20s)
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Gregg-
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG (correcting him)
It’s junior detective-
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Just shut up and get me the goddamn evidence bag. We got ourselves a clue.
Detective Reggie Shelly puts on his aviators just to take them off again and winks at the crowd of villagers.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
You know it's not very effective when you say the catchy line then put on the glasses and take them off again.
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Shut up Gregg. Let’s interview our witnesses
The detectives walk over to the crowd of villagers and begin to talk to each of them.
SHOPKEEPER
So I was in the bushes this morning-before he fell and I saw the prince and that young squire of his arguing in the tower there.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
The tower? That’s at least 40 ft in the air. Wait why were you in the bushes and how-
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
We got ourselves a peepin’ tom here!
SHOPKEEPER
My name is Eggward (not understating the phrase).
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Look perv just give us your binoculars.
SHOPKEEPER
Listen, listen I just use them to see if the prince is gonna come to the shop so I can make sure it’s clean if he comes by. It’s not like I ever see anything anyway he’s always got those damn curtains drawn.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
The prince doesn’t do his own shopping though… And (disgusted)... that bush is full of albumin…
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
What can we say Gregg the man likes his whites well beaten if ya know what I mean. Wink Wink.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
I don’t think it is comedically effective when you say the word wink-
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Godamnit Gregg we have a murder to solve stop kink shaming the bastard. Now Eggward you sick fuck where does that damn squire boy live?
SHOPKEEPER
Quail town.
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Quail town? God help us.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
What’s Quail Town?
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Where the dark bubbling anger and violence of savages boils over and seeps into the rest of our town poisoning our mothers, our children and our wives. It’s a nest of bad eggs. A dirty quail’s nest.
INT. THE AREA BEHIND THE ONE WAY MIRROR OF AN INTERROGATION ROOM- LATER THAT DAY
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
Thank God we got to the squire before he went home to quail town
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Yeah enough with the exposition. God ya know you are just such a typical bright-eyed, right-out-of-the-academy cliché.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
sorry.
(under his breath) you’re just a hard-boiled cop cliché.
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
What?
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
Nothing. Suspect name is Quailey Peck, age 14 right?
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Yep.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM PROPER
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
You know I have to say Quailey you don’t look like a quail’s egg. You aren’t one of those tiny heavily spotted little monstrosities spreading through our land like a cancer. You seem relatively normal. You’re not that small and your spots aren’t really noticeable. Must be how you got your job.
Quailey doesn’t say anything and looks annoyed
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
That was a compliment you should smile and be a little more grateful you know. I could send you straight to prison with the evidence I got today.
QUAILEY PECK
What evidence?
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Evidence you killed his highness Prince Humpty Dumpty.
QUAILEY PECK
He’s dead?
Quailey seems stunned but is not sad. He is expressionless.
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
That’s right. And we pulled lots of fingerprints off his body and then tested them against yours. And guess what? They all match yours. Now do you wanna confess or what?
QUAILEY PECK
I didn’t kill him, I- They-
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Then how did your fingerprint end up on the body huh?
Quailey is silent and begins to quietly sob.
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Shame on you and the chicken that laid you!
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
Sir he’s a quail egg...
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Shut up Gregg!
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
(playful) I was just yolkin’ around!
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
God Dammit Gregg the prince was just murdered by this guy
points at the still quietly crying Quailey
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
I guess when they sent him they weren’t sending Eggland’s best!
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Jesus Christ Gregg! Let’s just book him
INT. POLICE STATION- LATER THAT EVENING
Detective Reggie Shelly is typing up a report at his desk when Gregg comes over.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
Thanks for showing me the ropes today
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Yeah. look now i gotta finish the report on Quailey.
JR DETECTIVE GREGG PEGG
Oh yeah of course but what should I do about-
DETECTIVE REGGIE SHELLY
Burn it
EXT. The Woods somewhere
It is dark out. Gregg lights a bonfire and places a piece of paper in it and walks away. We zoom in on the paper and it says “I Prince Humpty Dumpty can no longer live with the heinous things I have done to-
The end part of the note is singed off.