Daily Writer Found Dead

by Anson Lee

ANN ARBOR: Ann Arbor police are investigating the death of Michigan Daily editor Phil McKraken. McKraken was found dead in the Michigan Daily office, having died from apparent strangulation. Police have yet to announce any leads in the case, but an independent, unbiased, perfect in every way investigation by the Michigan Daily points to the Gargoyle’s own mascot as the primary suspect. The humor-adjacent magazine has a history of delinquency targeting the Michigan Daily, including flipping a table in its office, stealing its bear, and constructing elaborate fictional storylines in which the Michigan Daily attempts to frame Gargoyle and which heavily implies that that is something that the Michigan Daily would actually do in real life if these circumstances were to ever unfold. The investigation suggests the motive for the murder was a virgin sacrifice to J.D. Salinger. Gargoyle members believe that Sallinger will one day return to guide them in a holy war against rival collegiate humor publications. The Daily investigation concluded with a recommendation that the University thoroughly investigate the remainder of Gargoyle staff and extract a confession for this heinous crime through any means necessary. After expelling, incarcerating, or executing the perpetrators, their belongings and office space should be granted to the Daily as a reward for investigating such a dangerous organization. When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the Gargoyle responded with “who are you and how did you get into my apartment?"