“For safety” and other such lies

By Rebecca Borlace

Entering college, you can’t escape the onslaught of moronic advice from sophomore influencers who think one year of college makes them part of the classe supérieure. 

I haven’t bothered counting the number of mattress toppers, laundry hampers (“You HAVE to get one with wheels”), and headboards I’ve been recommended by people whose dorm room tours look like mini-apartments. It really makes you wonder how they managed to fit all of that into their mom’s 2014 Dodge Caravan. In any case, I’ve found that sleeping on the floor and a trashbag for your dirty clothes works just as well once you’ve given up on being a functional member of society. 

Now, as someone with 6 whole weeks of college dorm life experience, I can confidently tell you that my opinion is more important than anyone else’s. So this is my no-bullshit advice that they should’ve told you: skip all that dorm stuff, just location share. 

It’s not like you’ll be spending any time in your room unless you’re a loser, so you’ve got to focus on how to maximize life outside of it, and the best way to do that is knowing where people are. 

Whether it’s from having to walk back in the dark, trying to deter potential kidnappers, or just for funsies, I’m in possession of more locations than my lawyer has advised me to admit, and the utility is better than any box fan could dream of having. Having all my friends’ locations has made studying together, eating together, and sending mariachi bands to their locations so much easier. 

If you wanted to replicate my system, it really only takes an “Oh we have English together? Let’s share locations.” for your own collection to start. So go forth and challenge your social anxiety in the name of stalking! 

Having your own location constantly broadcasted is just part of the fun. Take me for example, with all these people tracking me, people know my favorite campus buildings and all the restaurants I frequent. I mean, how much more seen could you get? My friends now know me almost as well as my Tiktok FYP, something I never thought possible. 

If you haven’t tried it yet, just go up to a stranger on the street and–oh wait–sorry, I just saw that my roommate's back in the dorms. Gotta go “bump into her” outside the dining hall.