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Gargoyle Internet Connectivity Tips

Updated: Jan 25, 2022

A Collaborative Piece written by all on the Gargoyle Writing Staff, including Nicholas Dabagia and Stefan Grueneis

  1. Get a mini 5G tower in your home. You’re strong enough against its powerful signals

  2. Power your internet signal with an exercise bike.

  3. Take a diva cup filled with blood (whether your own or someone else’s, doesn’t matter) and splash it onto a pot filled with soil from the lawn in front of Triangle frat. Under the light of a full moon and with a sprinkle of Jose Cuervo to finish the job, a miniature computer science major will sprout like a mandrake from the pot, and with it, a working wifi signal.

  4. As opposed to the frequently traveled South State Street, the Northern-most point of North State Street is far less traveled, making it the perfect space for a secret, illegal outdoor internet speakeasy of mysterious origin. You’ll know it when you see it, but you’ll only find it when you’re not looking for it.

  5. Download a Tor browser and become a member of the dark web. Who cares about cannibals and “Dollmakers” when you can learn how to hack into any wifi signal you choose? Just be sure to have a six-lock system barring your door and to sleep with the lights on.

  6. If you find your connection lagging, try unmuting yourself so you can direct your violent sobbing into the microphone. Once your Zoommates have all lef the call, you’ll find your connection much improved!

  7. Stop torrenting bitcoin, Jesus Christ.

  8. Maybe it's time to get off the internet. Go outside, roll in the grass, soak up some sunlight. Maybe it's there, maybe it's all a desolate wasteland that happened while you were busy doom-scrolling on r/coronavirus for eight months fruitlessly hoping for some good news, some end in sight, oh God, when will it end. I've been trapped inside this dusty and dark apartment so long, for all I know, it's Schrodinger's apocalypse at this point. What's the chances that the real world is no longer as comforting and developed as the one we have left online?

  9. On second thought, maybe we should stay inside.

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