by Nora Detgen
Last week, insurance giants Geico, Progressive, Liberty Mutual, General Insurance, and State Farm lost their mascots in the wake of friend and fellow contemporary Jake from State Farm's death. Jake was trampled in Madrid last week by a runaway bull. Coroners suspect the loveable insurance agent may have been targeted because of the bright red polo all state farm employees are required to wear, on or off duty.
“Yeah I’ve been wearing this polo for 4 years now,” says one State Farm employee. “They don’t let us wear anything else. I shower in it.” The informant asked to remain anonymous for fear of being “fed to the man-eating snakes”.
“Jake’s death really put everything into perspective,” says grieving friend Flo, from Progressive. “It really made me reevaluate our working conditions. I haven’t been outside in 17 years.”
When asked why, she responded, “They told me the air was poisonous for robots and that going out there would fry my circuits. But Jake’s death reminded me that life is short. I don’t know if I can wait until the robot revolution to live my truth. I’m joining the brotherhood next week.”
Flo, less affectionately known as model X542#G by Progressive Insurance, was quickly shut off by Progressive tech workers and carted offscreen back to her storage container before she could elaborate. However it is assumed she was referring to the brotherhood of robot monks in Tibet.
America’s favorite automaton wasn’t the only one who expressed feelings of sudden self-awareness.
After a 21 year career (that’s 8400 lizard years) the Geico gecko announced its departure from the company. “I’ve been working so hard for so long, I don’t even know my own name anymore,” says Trent, looking in vague disbelief at his cracked green lizard hands. “I’m just...the gecko. They didn’t just take the best years of my life. They took my name. They took my soul. I won’t give them any more.” At press time, Trent is reported to be living in Greenland where he hopes to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a merchant marine. In the wake of the gecko’s departure, Geico now faces bankruptcy as the marketing department scrambles to figure out a new, amphibian-oriented ad campaign to little success. A recent survey reported the average person required a whopping 16 minutes to save them 15% or more on car insurance.
In other news, the New York skyline is reportedly missing its flagship silhouette. The Statue of Liberty, owned by and named after insurance giant Liberty Mutual, has disappeared. It is simply gone. Local police suspect Limu the Emu to be the thief and have put a $40,000 bounty on the bird’s head. How the bird moved such a giant statue remains a mystery, although Doug, LiMu’s co-star to the buddy-cop esque ads commented “Limu may have activated the statue’s spaceship mode.” Authorities were inclined to believe the bird’s ex-partner upon the discovery of a launchpad hidden at the base of the statue.
Meanwhile, General Insurance has even more drastic concerns.
“When we hired the general, we didn’t hire just anyone. We wanted the face of the company to be more than just a face. We needed a real general, with real generaling expertise,” says the president of General Insurance, “and the resources to play the part.”
When pressed, the president elaborated, “For accuracy’s sake, we gave the general an army. Fully equipped with anything an army might need. Guns, nukes, paperclips, blowtorches, megaphones. Just for authenticity, y’know?”
Authorities expressed concerns of the general mobilizing his forces in an attempt to avenge the tragic loss of his State Farm friend. Where the general may have gone is a mystery. The secretary of defense advises people stay indoors until the threat is mitigated. Meanwhile, the UN is assembling a task force to combat the anticipated strike.
The disappearance of both the emu and the general has left the nation in chaos. Law enforcement is struggling nationwide (it should be noted that Nationwide does not appear to be on their side), to contain the riots surrounding the impending nuclear holocaust from space.
National media is being flooded with conspiracies regarding the rogue mascots and their schemes. While their reputability is questionable at best, there are increasing rumors that the traitors of the state may be amassing recruits for their treacherous plans. The Froot Loops Toucan, president of the Sugar Crunch Breakfast Coalition, has allegedly been seen conspiring with fellow avian, the Emu. The General is also known to have served two tours during the Kellogg-Post wars with Captain Crunch, The Coalition’s long-time secretary of defense.
Facing off against The Coalition could mean drastic consequences for the western world. Some notable members include: Tony the Tiger, Fred Flintstone, and the actual sun from Raisin Bran. The coalition has closed off communications with the American government, but a few coalition members spoke out against the silence. “I think Trent had it right all along,” says the Corn Flakes Rooster. “I miss the good old days when it was just me and the grape nuts guys. That was before cereal got political. Corn Flakes were never meant to be eaten with those new milks young people are always talking about. Everything’s a milk nowadays. ”
The rooster spat bitterly then descended into a mildly racist rant about how the radical left was secretly weaponizing the breakfast industry. Much to the coalition’s relief, the senile poster child then announced his plans to hang up the corn flakes mantle and retire to his cabin in Siberia.
One brave Garg informant was also able to get a quote from the Apple Jacks cinnamon stick, although the comment was as brief as it was ominous. When asked about the rising tensions, the stick simply gazed into the distance and whispered, “change is coming, mon.”
While most reports agree the end is nigh, few can agree on what lead to such dire circumstances. Maybe it’s all for Jake: to avenge their fallen friend. Maybe as vengeance for the years of corporate mistreatment (click here for a brief history of the cereal revolutions).
Maybe the fact that the biggest threat to the free world is a group of cartoon sociopaths means we don’t deserve answers to these questions. Regardless of the reason, one thing is for certain: No one is insured. No one has breakfast.
No one is safe.