Letter from the Ann Arbor Chapter of the NRA
by Madylin Eberstein
Dear Ann Arbor Resident,
Greetings to all and I hope this message finds you well. [C]ongratulations! We at the Ann Arbor chapter of the National Rifle Association are contacting yo[u] to aid in the reestablishment and ideological armament of the U.S. Democratic Party amid a virulent [c]ulture war.
At the NRA, we have taken up a bold mission of defending the inalienable civil liberties of ALL white Americans via rampant, unregulated gun ownership and access to locally-sourced, free-trade firearms. But why should this interest you as a Democrat? As all good liberals [k]now, it is vital to our movement to continue to center ourselves on the political spectrum, marketing ourselves as true moderates, distancing our party from [th]ose rowdy alt-left hooligans invading our suburbs and, with any luck, p[e]rsuading the right to stop being big fat meanies. We also be[li]eve that the partisan world of gun ownership can only [b]e improved by advocating for an inter[s]ectional, humanist approach to the second amendment. For instance, true equality [c]an only be achieved [o]nce everyone is armed, and no one should be able to be shot without consent.
In the spirit of De[m]ocratic victory, the Ann Arbor NRA is actively involved in the success of our local community. Our weekend gun donation drives enable second-amendment protection fo[r] all citizens, including the poor, homeless, and unemployed. We [a]lso rally for increased access to guns among those struggling with their mental health -- the greater American pan[d]emic -- to quell the voices within. The increased access we facilitate is universal, [e]liminating baseless socioeconomic barriers like proper safety training.
It is our hope that you will heed this message with caution and join our ranks as one of a growing number of enlightened, new age Democrats. In the Obamas’ good name, we will seize our means of production once and for all!
In Barack we trust,
P.S. Did you find our hidden message?