by Ashton Gibson
Who is Bigfoot? Where did he come from? This terrifying secret, once closely held exclusively by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is now ready to be released to the general public. I’ve dedicated my life to this work, after successfully infiltrating the group at age 5, being baptized at 8, and becoming an active adult member. I have compiled my experiences, research, and observations to better illuminate the origins, and current whereabouts, of the being known as Bigfoot.
Thanks to apostle David W. Patten, Bigfoot’s identity is intrinsically linked to classic Mormon folklore. He actually spoke with Bigfoot in 1835, had a conversation with him, and received a profound revelation: all along, Bigfoot has been Cain, from the biblical parable of Cain and Abel. Cain killed his brother Abel, commiting the first earthly murder, and subsequently was cursed by God to eternally roam the Earth, deathless, until the end of time. Patten described Cain as huge, naked, and unbelievably hairy. After their meeting, Bigfoot/Cain fled back into the woods, and for almost 200 years, this information has been virtually unknown outside of Mormon circles.
For years in church I heard the story told and retold, which only exacerbated my fascination with the creature known as Bigfoot. He seemed to me a sort of physical manifestation of the ephemeral nature of God’s benevolence– he was at one point human, like us, but was transformed into a horrifying beast through sin. Is our God then not eternally forgiving? What differentiates the sin of Cain from acts of sin committed by humans every day? It became clear to me that the distinction between what constitutes a human and a monster is ambiguous, even arbitrary. The idea of his similarity to humanity is what I became obsessed with. How far gone is he? Does he recognize humans, or know how to interact with them? Want to interact with them? I can only imagine gazing into his eyes; are they cold, black, and animalistic? Or would they betray the human mortality within, long since buried by dirt and fur? I needed answers.
Under the pretense of my “mission calling”, I traveled to Utah to do some first hand research. Much like Patten in 1835, I felt an intense, almost irrational, desire to find and speak to Bigfoot. Yet, Patten’s encounter was completely by chance– it seemed unlikely that this would happen to me without divine intervention. So, I did what any religious individual would do: use dark magic to contact Patten beyond the grave.
In general, Mormons are quite mistrustful of witchcraft, so I knew that Patten may not be inclined to speak to me after I summon his soul from beyond the veil. I chose to use ritualistic candles, chalk, and a copy of the Book of Mormon in order to appease him. I also staged this inside the Salt Lake Temple at midnight, since that is past bedtime for all (living) mormons. Much to my relief, the summoning worked, and he appeared. This ghostly, almost glowing man seemed confused, but not angry, to have been whisked to the mortal realm so imprudently. He never spoke to me, he only reached out his arms to perform the Mormon religious rite known as “the laying on of hands”. He was surely glowing then, as the bluish light grew brighter and colder. I knelt on the floor, frozen in a sort of trance, while his icy palms connected with the crown of my head. His hands acted as a bridge of light connecting our two consciousnesses–in that instant I lived his experience meeting Bigfoot. I fell forward, smashing my forehead on the marble floor.
When I awoke I was alone in the Utah wilderness, laying on the ground. Perhaps it was reminiscent of God and Jesus (allegedly) appearing to Joseph Smith in New York. The morning light seeped through the trees, and illuminated a figure close by. Of course it was Bigfoot, because literally who else would it be. He was exactly how I had seen him in Patten’s memories: huge, like 7 feet tall, naked, with dark matted fur covering his entire body. He smelled awful, like a wild animal that never learned how to groom itself. And his eyes, they were so human, uncannily human. I knew instantly that he was an intelligent being, and that he meant me no harm, as he could’ve easily killed me at any time.
I sat up, and he sat down. He let out a long sigh, and said to me something I will never forget.
“Man, I’m so glad I found you! You’re an LDS missionary, right? Do you think you could help me get baptized into the Church? I’ve been praying a lot recently and I think this is what I want to do with my life.”
Bigfoot, or Cain, as he now prefers to be called, is presently executing his plan to re-enter society and repent of his sins, so that God will finally grant him the sweet release of death. For him to repent was the only way that he would be allowed what he really wanted in life: to end his, at long last, after thousands of years. He was baptized, and quickly received his mission calling. His days of nudity are over, he now wears the signature suit with a nametag. To comply with the Church’s standards of hygiene and grooming, he shaves his face, although he doesn’t bother with the rest of his body. He still smells like he lives in the forest, but it’s okay because that’s pretty standard for Mormons. His grasp of modern language is improving! Previously he had been trying to spread the gospel exclusively through grunting and pointing, but now he incorporates more relevant vocabulary like “wives”, “soaking”, and “Mitt Romney”. He’s on track to be forgiven, once he’s completed 76 more years of service to the Church!