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  • Writer's pictureAnnika Smits

Professor Mark Schlissel Just Wants A Little Love

Former University of Michigan president and pseudo sex offender Mark Schlissel was impeached last year after attempting to pull off a Bill Clinton. We cannot confirm or deny if he “did or did not have sexual relations with that woman,” but we can confirm that he described himself as “lonely,” as expressed in his leaked email exchange with the anonymous seductress. Despite violating university conduct, the Board of Regents respected that dog in him, so he was able to return as a co-instructor of MCDB 436: Human Immunology. Gargoyle reporters interviewed real students of Mark Schlissel to find out more about the man behind the beard and glasses. All interviewees were kept anonymous for privacy reasons. 

Male, 20, Junior 

“Our classes usually start with icebreakers, but Schlissy always makes them weird. The other day, he asked us to talk about a time we took a big risk. During his turn, he said it was when he used his office phone to talk to hookers and paid them with the university funds he received from defunding the Blue Light system. He was trying to come off as relatable but I don’t think anyone under the age of 40 would do that.”

Female, 21, Senior

“I was sick for around a week and was struggling with a homework assignment so I went to Schlissel’s office hours for help. When I walked into his office, he lit a few cheap scented candles and played some George Michael from his computer. He kept dodging questions about the assignment to talk about how alone he’s felt since his divorce. I got up to leave but he begged me to stay. He even pulled out a bottle of Chardonnay and a couple of glasses but it was a Wednesday at 10 A.M. I ended up leaving and just read the textbook.”

Male, 22, Senior

“I went to his office hours to ask a question about something from lecture but, when I got there, he kept asking about my shoe size. When I told him, he seemed impressed and then he started asking about my hands. He tenderly put his hand up against mine and compared sizes. He was going on about how he wishes he had strong, masculine hands like mine and that if he was still with his wife, he would let me sleep with her. Honestly, he’s a pretty cool guy.”

The pressure is on for Schlissel to stay on his best behavior and resist his primal urges. However, after long investigation, it’s clear that it ain’t easy being a playa, especially one with a reputation similar to that of a canceled Youtuber. 

Written by Jacob Futterman

Illustrated by Hailey Fiel

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