A poem by Christopher Hanlon
A girl named Sarah
Who could not have been finer
Came to eat with me
At a 1950s themed diner
I wanted to love her
Yes that was the point
So I had to impress her
At this burger joint
I am not good looking
And my style is not new
So to sway her
There was only one thing I could do
A man is a good kisser
If he can tie a cherry in a knot
The problem for me was that
I could not
But do not fear
For I was not tense
Because I had a plan
That would hide my impotence
I had an ‘in’ with the waiter
His name, it was Scott
So I gave him instructions
Regarding the milkshakes I bought
He was to give me 2 cherries
Hiding one in the whipped cream
So Sarah could not see
My plan that was so obscene
What would I do
With these two fruits?
Use one as a decoy
And one as the “truth”
I would distract my date
With epics and fables
As I tie my decoy stem
Secretly under the table
And when she wasn’t looking
I would open my lips
and stick the stem in my gums
Just as if it were dip
With the other stem
I would offer to show her a trick
And put it in my mouth
But simply swallow it
And I would reveal to her
The hidden stem that I hid
And she will love me
For the act that I did
She would get so horny
Seeing what I could do with my tongue
But holy fucking shit
I swallowed the wrong one
The stem that was tied
Went down my throat
And I felt sick as a man
Sea sick on a boat
I struggled for minutes
Now trying to tie this damned stem
In hopes that I would dampen
Her much coveted hymen
But as she watched in confusion
I regret to say... Alas!
In walked a handsome boy
From Sarah’s math class
His name was Kevin
And he was quite the man
He was president of the chess club
And captain of the band
He also held a trait
That made Sarah wheeze
He could knot a cherry in his mouth
With ungodly ease
So he flexed on me hard
While my own stem laid straight
And he gave me a grin
As he stole my hot date
I finished my milkshake
And headed for the door
Leaving my ripped-out heart
Lifeless on the floor
I said goodbye to Scott
And fuck you to Kevin
Fuck you to Sarah
And fuck you to heaven
So I spent that night
Hidden in my own seclusion
And I guess I am proud to leave you
With this wonderful conclusion
Calm waters are not always good
As trial sharpens virtue
I can only hope next time
The trick works with Gertrude
(her sister)