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Schlissel Christ

From the Book of Mark (excerpt)

by Madylin Eberstein

At the end of the strikes, he went down and stood high above where they were on the diag, looking down at them, foam spilling forth from his mouth. A great number of people from all over the university had come to hear him and to be healed by his soothing words. Those troubled by impure spirits became cured, except for the dead ones scattered beneath their feet, because his raw masculine power and the energy of natural leadership was healing them all. He bespoke:

“Fuck all of you who are poor,

for it is all of your faults and I hate you.

Fuck all of you who hunger,

for TBH, that sounds like a personal problem.

Fuck all of you who weep,

for releasing hazardous bodily fluids upon this sacred land.

Fuck all of you who inconvenience me,

for you beg for assistance and ask me to do my job..

“Wallow in your suffering and go cry to your God, because this has been a reaally busy week for me and I just don’t really have time for this. You’re all just a bunch of kids, anyway; you could never understand what it takes to run a university. Helping people is socialism, and is that honestly what you want?

“But praise be upon you who are rich,

for you can never have enough.

Praise be upon you who are well fed,

for the hungry are lazy, and sharing is the socialist’s wet dream.

Praise be upon you who already laugh,

for I am sure nothing bad will happen to you and to be honest if it does you probably deserved it :P”

And his followers wept at his feet as he spoke, praying to their Lord. Upon their heads he rained down powerful kicks of his mighty legs, called upon his Holy Warriors, the Police, to disperse the masses, then charged them another $50 in emergency pandemic fees. And thus the Prophet went on his way, and his disciples knew his great power.

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