Spider-Man: Nobody's Home?

by Sujay Kulkarni

Excited fans gearing up for the release of Marvel and Sony’s third Spider-Man movie this winter might be in for a bit of a surprise. After much debate over whether the new multiverse will let former Spider-Man actors join the incumbent, Tom Holland, for a troika of web-slinging action, Sony Pictures confirmed that neither the cherished Tobey Maguire nor Andrew Garfield will be in the film. Furthermore, the studio informed reporters, Tom Holland isn’t in it either. Apparently, the new Spider-Man movie has no Spider-Man.

Last Thursday night, a North Korean terrorist cell used the power of the multiverse to kidnap Mr. Holland, the last Spider-Man. Sony security personnel only learned of the abduction attempt after two guards discovered a temporal rift just behind the employee parking lot. The insurgent group, “Guardians of Unity”, released a video just hours after the incident claiming ownership over their actions. In the video, Guardians’ spokesman expressed that members still held a grudge over the studio’s projects, such as the anti-North Korean film The Interview as well as the movie Grown Ups 2, which they claimed was “just really bad”.

In response to this horrific event, Sony executives called for an emergency meeting to decide on next steps. The Gargoyle was able to attain a leaked security tape of their conversation.

“This is a crucial vote - should we rescue Tom Holland?”

A pause filled the room.

“No”

“Okay. This is a crucial vote – Dodgeball or Super Troopers?” The executive laid his limited-edition CDs on the table for the committee to see.

Given the fact that Mr. Holland had a substantial number of scenes that were still to be filmed, Marvel writers presented directors with a rewritten script - sans Spider-Man – to directors and received a green light to go forward. The new film, now running at approximately 30 minutes, was available for pre-screening today and left many mega fans disappointed and confused after their first viewing. Although the Gargoyle did not receive tickets, this reporter was able to survey these fans after the experience (beware: spoilers ahead).

“Dr. Octopus and Electro literally just made their evil speeches for 10 minutes, then waited in silence for a bit, and then started arguing over who would get first dibs on Spider-Man when he came back.”

“It didn’t feel like a Spider-Man film, let alone a superhero film. Man, I’m really starting to hate North Korea.”

“How did they come up with a film over the course of a weekend? Why is there a pre-screening an entire month before the release? Why am I here? I don’t know what has more plot holes - the movie or this.”

Whether or not it will blow audiences away like the first two films, the new Spider-Man flick will definitely be something special. Will you see it?