Straight Conversion Therapy
By Izzy Hedin-Urrutia
A scenario: you’re sitting around the crumbling, flaming hole acting as the fire pit in the co-op that you’ve spent your entire life in. Your family, a mismatched group composing of genderqueer nonbinary anarcho-goth lesbians and thirty-year old overall-wearing malnourished graduate students, surrounds you, filling the smarmy summer night with passionate debate about the particulars of environmental radicalism and the suspiciously fascist undercurrents in the latest homophilic pornographic art film. Suddenly, your half-zionist psuedo-aunt Xandria arrives, bringing with them, so they say, a friend of theirs who is also pursuing a minor in Russian Economic Literature: Jason. Your lower back starts sweating, your mouth becomes drier than the peeling paint off of the entirely not-up-to-code house staircase, and you find yourself unable to tear your marijuana-reddened eyeballs away from Jason’s stained sweatpants and “Michigan Football” hoodie. Once Jason sits down next to you, your predicament worsens, as your heart beats faster upon inhalation of axe body spray. He pulls out a warm PBR from his sweatpants (where was he storing that? In his pocket? In his boxers? The mystery is as intriguing as it is repulsive) and proceeds to punch a hole in the side with his keys, before tilting his head back and chugging shitty beer until it drips haphazardly down his stubbly butt-chin. Your personal enthrallment in this cheap and messy display of toxic masculinity is terrifying. How can this man-child in barely-laundered pajama substitutes be more interesting to you than Sofiya’s hard nipples poking out of her flower-spotted button down? How can Jason’s grungy acne be more arousing to you than Anjelica’s embroidered mom-jean cameltoe and carefully dyed buzz cut? What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you?
If this sounds at all familiar, you may suffer from a rare mental disorder known as ego-centric-heternormative heterosexuality. But fear not: there is a guaranteed, fool-proof, scientifically-proven way out. Introducing: Jolly Rancha Co-Operative Conversion Therapy! With our patented Bikini Kill-integrated hypnosis techniques, our Sappho-recitation group sessions, and DIY denim-thong workshops, you will be renouncing a life of sin, minivans and voting for Joe Biden in no time! Never again will you find yourself quivering and moist at the sight of unwashed, neanderthal rossholes; no longer will you suffer from a predilection towards tube tops and tailgating. Our 120-step program is specially designed to combat any unnatural attraction towards chauvinistic attitudes, condescending tones of voice, or mansplanatory personalities. Liberate yourself from putting up with damaging toxic masculinity for mediocre, orgasm-less sex forever. With Jolly Rancha Co-Operative Conversion Therapy, you can live guilt--and frat boy--free!