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The Gargoyle's Guide to Driving

Finally, Driving Explained!

by Brendan Dewley

Hello there, passionate road traveler! Are you excited for a trip on the open road, but don’t know how to get started? Sick of guessing how to get around? Wondering how to navigate the complicated American highway system? Well here’s a perfect, short guide that will help you find your way around!

First, it’s important to understand that the road is only traversable by first using the language of the streets: road signs. Let’s take a look at some of the more common road signs you’ll find during your travels! Pay close attention to the side of the road when driving. While you will want to look for pedestrians to offer rides, or delightful bakeries that offer wide varieties of baked goods and pastries, it is the signs that will inform you of potential hazards and the conditions of the road ahead.

Next, one must be able to venture into any number of possible situations that one will encounter in the everyday driving life. For example, knowing how to change lanes will allow you to prepare for turns or merges on the road. Below is a classic example of changing lanes on a four-lane road, which you may see on large freeway systems. Pay attention to the driver’s tactic of overtaking local or state law enforcement in order to cross the lane and breach the main body of the nearby car. In real life, of course, you may have to face multiple waves of police or federal authorities, but in this case, let’s simplify the endless cycle of the highway patrol system, and focus on a single, four-door police cruiser. Accelerating at a consistent and high rate, plunge your vehicle into the side doors of a nearby motorist. Just ram right into the side of the car. Go on. Do it. What are you scared of? Dying in a three ton metal coffin? Driving isn't for pussies.

Once you’ve managed to move around on a road, you’ll eventually come along to an intersection of some sort. Below is an example of a marked intersection along a two-lane road with moderate traffic. Notice how the driver first accelerates, and then maintains speed and direction, focusing on the road ahead. As a driver, it is your responsibility to get from point A to point B, no matter what lies between you and your destination. In this case, the driver does the right thing by achieving maximum speed before reaching the intersection. Regardless of any objects, pedestrians, or traffic in your way, you must propel yourself as fast as physically possible into the road ahead. What’s that? You aren’t sure if you can risk the life of a fellow driver? Seriously? Just remember that on the road, its every person for themselves, and if you don’t take the shot on them, then someone with no weakness of hesitation will come along and take the shot on you.

Now that you know the A-B-C’s to driving, go out there and drive fast, brake hard! Seriously. Brake incredibly quickly and suddenly. If you aren’t bruised after even the shortest of travels, then you aren’t doing it right. Braking is a sign of power, and only the most experienced and effective drivers can brake quickly to alert the people behind them that they fear nothing and have great insurance.

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