THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN IS LOOKING FOR EMPLOYEES!
by Brendan Dewley
HELP WANTED: ABOUT 2,205 GRADUATE LEVEL INSTRUCTORS
All full-time positions.
The administration would like to make it clear that we recognize you as essential.
Lmao sike dumbass
Mandatory unwavering loyalty to this academic institution and its financial success, up to and including loss of life, dignity, or overtime/sick pay.
Skills & Abilities:
Bachelor or equivalent degree in applicable field of study.
A burning passion for academia, and a cheerful, optimistic energy that can and will be tested.
A sense of right and wrong is desired, but not required.
Must be able to lift up to 75 pounds, or equivalent weight in the moral burden of scabbing.
Interested applicants must have a stable internet connection and applicable hardware to work from home when possible (as well as the ability to secure childcare if necessary, the ability to work in-person if required by your department, the ability to secure a COVID test if necessary, the ability to pay rent and secure housing if and when the University requires you to be physically present, the ability to devote yourself and your family entirely to University operations, the ability to build large military bases on campus to defend the premises from land and air attacks, the ability to dig complex trench systems to transport men and arms across campus lines, the ability to serve your employers dutifully in the coming mole people war, the ability to use chemical warfare for this institution in the inevitable mole offensive, the ability to stage a coup against the Republic of Mole People leader, the ability to stage a false democratic leadership in the fledgling CIA-backed Mole People nation, the ability to ignore the corrupt bureaucracy forming and to allow guerrilla warfare to destroy any chance of a democratic government establishing, the ability to come home and struggle to come to terms with what was asked of you in this proxy war, the ability to travel back to the battlefields years later and finally find some semblance of inner peace)
If approached by a member of the Graduate Employees’s Organization #3550, interested applicants should:
Stand your ground and make lots of noise. Organizers often bluff when attacking. If you show them you mean business, especially private business, they may just lose interest.
Don’t climb a tree. Union members are excellent climbers. They can climb faster than you can run. Climbing up a tree won’t help you out.
Fight back. If the GEO member actually attacks, fight back. Use anything and everything as a weapon — rocks, sticks, fists, and your teeth. Aim your blows on the former GSI’s face, particularly the eyes and snout. When a GEO member sees that their victim is willing to fight to the death, they’ll usually just give up.
Please disregard a faint warmth on the desk chairs in the offices, evidence of a struggle, or any personal belongings of previous employees including but not limited to office supplies, personal photos, and heartwarming motivational posters.
Interested applicants must be willing to sprint full speed through multiple waves of protesting GSI’s, with a final boss Lecturer every fifth wave. Power-ups (i.e. health regen, extra experience points, rare loot and weapons, etc) will be dropped by tenured lecturers upon their defeat.
Due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, PPE will be provided in the form of one (1) box of Glad® Press'n Seal® Food Wrap.
As an equal employment opportunity employer, The University of Michigan and its affiliates do not discriminate in its employment decisions on the basis on race, sex, sexual orientation, gender, color, religion, age, genetic information, disability, marital status, citizenship, or national origin, however, we do judge and test employees in a complex series of pandemic related dilemmas, legal challenges, and an aquatic agility competition that features a friendly yet excitable dolphin named Flopper that challenges participating Graduate Student Instructors to jump through hoops to continue employment.
Furthermore, the University will make any and all reasonable accommodations for individuals unless doing so would result in any cost, discomfort, or smallest of actions on behalf of the University.
If you have specific legal questions or concerns, we encourage you to go fuck yourself.
Please submit all applications and resumes to email@example.com.