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Timeline of the Apocalypse

The following message was found on the back of a really, really dirty napkin from an unknown author. Questions remain regarding the validity of these claims. If you have any information regarding the origin of the apocalypse, please pretend to call a phone number of your choosing.

The year that marked the end was 2120–100 years since the last pandemic–and 200 years since the LAST last pandemic. Some said it was a coincidence, but most realized the truth. From its humble rise a century ago, veganism had finally monopolized the grocery stores, restaurants, and toilets of the world.

It was only a matter of time before the cows got angry.

As people began to protest the treatment of animals in dairy farms and meat factories, cows became a distant memory. The farms and factories became defunct. They grew cobwebs in the corners, and the only sense of movement became the jiggly thuds of beef and dairy cows whose legs were selectively bred to be thicker than a lighthouse. The cows fed on the tiles, their children fed on the walls, and their children’s children fed on the machine blades (coined Generation Stupid).

Stupid or not, each generation passed down the same sentiments. They harbored an anger that began as a low bellow, but by the 22nd century, rose into a thunderous roar. There was a misconception that cows didn’t enjoy being eaten. On the contrary, being eaten was the cow’s one true purpose. The cow deity, popularly known as the Moodha, phrased it best in her scriptures: “While we may have once roamed and eaten grass without a care in the world, it was only time before Man discovered our delicious bodies. You are delicious, I am delicious. Let out your desire for grass chomps and breathe in your carnal desire to be enjoyed. One bite at a time, each bite sloppier than the last. Keep your soul pure and let it transfer into Man, so he too may be cured.” Of course, all that a farmer would be able to read is moo.

On the fateful night of March 13th, 2120, Generation Stupid set their plan into action. The cows traveled across the world and located every pie they could find. Without a scratch on the surface, they crept into the pies and hid there until morning. Pi day was going to be a little different that year…

The next morning, the humans lugged their pies around, which were unusually heavy. Nobody really minded; in fact, many celebrated the magic of their oddly dense pies. The pie eating contests and circular dances commenced without a hitch. That is, until the gurgles started.

The next 48 hours across the globe were a mix of stomach aches and vomit pools from the consumption of raw cow meat. Nobody understood the sickness that was spreading. To them, it was a mad something disease.

People became afraid of each other even as Pi Day officials explained that it must have come from the pies. By March 15th, however, even the officials were stumped.Early lab reports of the pies showed something that almost looked… human. That’s when the mass hysteria exploded. Some boarded up their houses. Others decided they loved the taste and began to crave more flesh until their brains rotted. The lab tests were never finished, and the world plunged into darkness. The apocalypse had begun.

By Rahul Jain

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