Tips and Tricks: Homicide edition

by Lars Martin

Tip #1: If you ever have a knife covered in blood and you need to dispose of the evidence, just dip it in the vat of concentrated piss we know you have been collecting for a rainy day. The urine will negate the blood and create water that will just rinse off, getting rid of the biological evidence. Fool-proof plan.

Tip #2: Always wear stilettos when inflicting harm. The footprints will confuse the forensic team while also having the benefit of your victim thinking you're looking sexy as fuck as you cut their throat.

Tip #3: Diapers are very handy when going on a long spree. There is no need to look for a bathroom while dragging a body across Main Street. Just shit in your pants, who cares. Send your diapers to The Michigan Daily, 420 Maynard St., Ann Arbor, Michigan 48109, and we will dispose of them properly for you.

Tip #4: Evading law enforcement is such a pain in the ass. Here are some tricks to get away.

1. Going to clown college is a great way to hide. Nobody would expect that of you, other than your parents who had no other hope for you.

2. Become a police officer yourself. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

3. Just use daddy’s money to pay them off. You’re out-of-state at Michigan; you can afford it.

Tip #5: When burying a body, don’t forget where you put it. Sticking a large confederate flag in the ground will deter people while also making an excellent marker.