Happenings at the District Court of Ann Arbor, 2020.
by Madylin Eberstein
Braedon von Moneyhavert, council chairman.
Hear hear! [to Defendant] Ms. Ahorre, you are called to this High Council today to present a final defence for your cruel and indecent behavior towards the male sex. My fellow magistrates and I are here to hear you attest to these here charges here. How do you plead?
Ms. Ahorre.
And what are these charges, exactly?
Moneyhavert.
Ms. Ahorre, you have been accused of the crimes of dolus swipis rightium and animus monogami. You and your wicked constitution have bedeviled a number of individuals, men whose souls would still be pure and just had your womanly and, uh, supple figure not beguiled their innocent minds.
Ms. Ahorre.
And by constitution, you are referring to—
Moneyhavert.
The tits and ass, ma’am. The booty pics, the little shirt little pants, the WAP challenge – all of it. Similarly, it is apparent to this tribunal that it had always been your plan to wield these powers of seduction against the Freedom of Men so that you might cuff him. Mr. Bryson Balsarbleu himself hath come forth to commiserate his sufferings under your impurity, as well as other six innocent souls: Brandon, Brendan, Branson, Brydon, Byron, and Baron. Mr. Balsarbleu has described how you not only conspired to lure such an unadulterated soul such as his into your insidious grasp but also consequently confessed to the Unfounded and Unprecedented notion of mutual, friendly, and respectable exchange with someone of your sex.
Ms. Ahorre.
If it be against the charges of cuffing that I am called here today, I would relay the co-conspiracy of Mr. Balsarbleu, for he had confessed to me upon our very first meeting that he had been battling a certain Loneliness and perhaps thought that even in his youthful age he might prove grateful to engage in a mature union with a woman. In fact, I should even go as far as to say that Mr. Balsarbleu had conversed with me in a manner that had suggested he be interested in me beyond the matters of sexual exchange, but as a person.
*staggered gasps sound around the room*
Moneyhavert.
Ms. Ahorre, that is heresy! By our humble and almighty Lord, I would have sworn you a Psycho Clingy Bitch, but never in my mortal life would I have thought you to be an Egalitarian as well. I am afraid you will need to work harder from here on if you wish to redeem yourself.
Ms. Ahorre.
I pray, Sir Moneyhavert, I do not see how anything I have said thus far could warrant such an outlandish claim.
Mr. Balsarbleu, chairman.
If I may, to clear Ms. Ahorre’s name. It is true what she claims.
*whispers flood the court as Mr. Balsarbleu rises from his seat.*
Mr. Balsarbleu.
On several occasions, I engaged with Eunice in a manner not only predatory, but indeed, romantic as well. To my memory, I tempted her with promises of Chipotle takeout dinners, walks through the Diag, and even an invite to the Lambda Chi semi-formal. However to my defense, Your Honor, I never explicitly cited that these promises were genuine.
Ms. Ahorre.
Well-- Of course not explicitly, but would you dare say it was foolhardy of me to not assume that every word my confidant uttered was a lie?
Mr. Balsarbleu, scoffing.
I would say so.
Mr. Moneyhavert.
Ms. Ahorre, need I really explain to you the intricacies of how we as men must relate to the fairer sex? Your kind may be obsessive, needy, hysterical, and of course, unhinged, but still, you are endowed with supremely supple chesticles which you should understand to be irresistible. Furthermore, it is nothing less than the pure, God-given nature of Man to attract and entrance the female with tales of grandeur, as Men, by constitution, are incapable of Lonely or Romantic feelings, aren’t they, Ms. Ahorre?
Ms. Ahorre.
That is incorrect.
Mr. Moneyhavert, to the court stenographer.
Strike that from the record… Well, if this is all our defendant has to say for herself, we shall declare our final verdict.
*The magistrates all exchange a knowing glance*
Mr. Moneyhavert.
At the conclusion of this interrogation, our Highest Council finds Ms. Eunice Ahorre guilty of the crimes of Provocation and Egalitarianism. As with all crimes of such gravity, Ms. Ahorre shall be sentenced with the greatest punishment able to be levied in our Modern Age.
*the court falls silent in anticipation*
Mr. Moneyhavert.
Ms. Ahorre, this Court hereby condemns you to a lifetime of heterosexuality. As for Mr. Balsarbleu, for the rest of Ms. Ahorre’s mortal life, you may refer to her person as none other than “psycho slut” or “annoying cow”. This court is adjourned.
--End of proceedings--