by Hailey Fiel
“It was supposed to be a joke!” claims Richard Johnson, student founder of the No Nut November Coalition on campus who recently proposed a campus-wide “no nut” mandate for the entire month of November at a recent Central Student Government Assembly meeting. After the alleged “joke” proposal received widespread support from the Evangelical Christian community on campus, the motion was passed in a 6-5 vote by the CSG Assembly and is currently in the process of being implemented by University of Michigan officials. We reached out to renowned sexual health expert, Haywood Jahblomee, to explain the details of this new mandate.
“Ejaculation, colloquially referred to by younger generations as ‘nutting’, is the main topic of concern when talking about the logistics of the ‘no nut’ mandate. This refers to any orgasmic discharge, male or female, including any masturbatory emissions where the sperm is not directly seeking an egg” says Jahblomee. This begs the question: how will the mandate be enforced?
UMich Officials say they have developed a new app dubbed “ResponsiBLUEBalls” for students to self-report their emissions. Using a similar layout as the “ResponsiBLUE” app used to track COVID-19 symptoms on campus, this app will provide a daily screening which requires users to answer a set of questions related to their emissions (or lack thereof). The app will also feature an option for users to report anyone they suspect might have violated the mandate.
The Gargoyle recently reached out to head app developer, Mike Hunt, to gain more insight into the inner workings and efficacies of the new app. Mr. Hunt declined to comment on any details of the “ResponsiBLUEBalls” app; however, when asked off the record by Gargoyle reporters how he thought of the app’s name, he had this to say: “It just came to me."
The No Nut November Mandate has spurred widespread controversy among the student body in a number of different University communities. Campus incels are calling the mandate sexist, citing “women don’t cum”. Self-proclaimed “feminist social justice warriors” are fighting back by picketing on the Diag and sharing their stories of female ejaculation to anyone who will stay long enough to listen.
“Define ‘on-campus’”, says junior philosophy major, Rudy Booblets, “The ambiguity surrounding what constitutes ‘on-campus’ is causing a lot of confusion for me and a lot of other students. Surely they [the University] can’t enforce this new mandate on students who nut off-but-near campus, right? Right?!”
A student who asked to remain anonymous shared insider info on the emergence of so-called “bootleg nutting”, and the subsequent rise of campus speakeasies being utilized for said nutting. Although circle jerks are nothing new to fraternities, the act has been quickly gaining momentum with non-Greek life students since the University implemented this new mandate.
“I think circle jerks are providing a sense of camaraderie and security to the people involved. Some people I know are swearing by blood oath not to report each other on the ResponsiBLUEBalls app. It’s absolute insanity out there. Stay safe, my friends, and Go Blue [Balls]” said the anonymous student.