By Sabrina Barnes and Arielle Lytkowski
Welcome to the Wasteland! The apocalypse may be upon us, but so is the MOST DRAMATIC season of Bachelor in Paradise yet! We found 23 of the hottest guys, gals, and partially reptilian pals to seduce and gaslight each other into eternal bliss. This season will feature the most invigorating, expensive, and absolutely hazardous dates ever! Contestants will swoon to a private concert from some radioactive country music artist you’ve never heard of, and slow dance on the shores of the freshly renamed Dead-er Sea. A show with enough sex, drama, and scripted fights to distract anyone from the downfall of society as we know it; stick to something you’re capable of, and tune in to meet our hopeful romantics! Now it’s time to introduce you to some of these fucking psycho—excuse me—sorry, super level-headed contestents. Meet Lauren C, a 24 year old kindergarten teacherturned cult leader from El Paso: “I’m just like soo excited to convert—I mean—get to know all of these nutrient deficient men.” Isn’t she charming! Bret T, who looks like he’s on year 6 of steroids, is ready for a committed relationship: “I’m tired of foraging for supplies and surviving on my own. I can’t wait to meet the mutated girl of my dreams. Well, as long as she’s at least a 9.5.” Fear not, Bret! There’s at least 1 girl left on Earth who comes somewhat close to meeting those standards. Katie and Tanner’s relationship has been on the rocks: “I just feel so betrayed right now. She gave a lifesaving antidote to some other dude,” complains Tanner. Will Katie and Tanner rekindle their love? Or will we witness the second worst fallout of the last two months? This season of Bachelor in Paradise is the HOTTEST SEASON YET, and it’s not just the practically non-existent ozone making us say that. Be sure to tune in to watch a gaggle of 20-somethings, (plus Phil from HR who had nothing else going on), bravely opt for bikinis and speedos over hazmat suits. We know you’re probably not doing much else in your bunker