The Power Lines Gave Me Autism
Updated: May 1, 2021
Story of a first time with marijuana.
Alright, where did it all start?
I was sitting in my friend’s garage and my friend just started smoking weed a few months ago and he was in love with it. He was talking my ear off about it, telling me that he wanted to smoke me out, bad. He was really riding marijuana’s dick.
I eventually gave in and we decided to head somewhere to smoke.
We decided to walk to the nearest Denny’s since my friend’s parents were home. On the way, my friend would not shut the fuck up about weed. He was like a snake oil salesman with a brain aneurysm. It would not have been so bad if he wasn’t repeating himself over and over again.
Was he high?
Oh, on the moon. He was high as fuck by the time we got to Denny’s.
By the time we got to Denny’s I was having second thoughts about trying weed. My friend was being so annoying. When we sat down at a table, I told him that I didn’t want to go through with it. He guilted me super hard about it and called me a big pussy. He stopped talking to me and we sat in silence as we waited for our food. While we waited, a very large family of wholesome-looking white people who looked like they had just walked out of a Hallmark movie sat behind us. Looking at them made me not want to get high anymore. Here was this nice family that looked like they were there to celebrate and here I was about to taint that by getting stoned. I could not bear the thought.
But then they started talking.
I listened to them since my friend wasn’t speaking to me while I ate. First they talked about the weather, family, you know, normal shit. But then the conversation switched to how autism was becoming more prevalent. They began talking about vaccines, of course, but then one of them had a revelation.
The power lines were giving children autism.
My mind was destroyed and my soul was forever tainted. I thought the vaccine talk was dumb. But this…
Do you need a minute?
No, but thank you. I felt my I.Q. begin to fall. I put down my quesadilla and I looked at my friend. He told me earlier that he had gummies on him and I promptly told him to give me all that he had. His eyes lit up and he gave me a handful. I scarfed them down like the fatass that I am. We then went behind the Denny’s and smoked up. I was so high, I felt like my arms became gorilla arms, like my existence became a dumpster full of diapers as I faded from this reality into another. I think I became an alien and my home became Pluto and I was drifting in her moist, frozen goo. To this day, I still think back to that time because I can no longer bear to think about the future.
Written by Jeremy Ritz; Art by Shannon Zheng