GargFeed: Which Guinness World Record Holder Are You?
We’ve all dreamed of one day having our own world record. But even though we’re all Special Snowflakes™, some of us are less special than others. Don’t worry, GargFeed is here to help. Ready to find out which world record holder you’d be if you weren’t a lazy piece of shit? No? Too bad. Here we fucking go.
1. You’re hardcore pregaming when you notice your best bud Kyle motionless at the bottom of a staircase. WYD?
A. Perform CPR even though you only know how to do it like they do on TV
B. Call an ambulance and capitalize on that “Medical Amnesty” thing
C. Use his fingertip to unlock his phone and find out all of his darkest secrets
D. Write “Sleeping off diarrhea. Don’t move me” on his forehead and steal his wallet
2. You’re babysitting your 5-year-old nephew who just slammed the fridge door on his thumb and won’t stop crying. You . . .
A. Buy him enough MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™ to shut him up until his parents get home
B. Dress up like a door and apologize to him
C. Tell him that if he can shut up for thirty minutes he’ll win the world record for the longest
time not being a dipshit and get a lifetime supply of MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™
D. Kiss his widdle boo-boo and take him out for ice cream
3. You tell your friend a hilarious joke and go to tweet it but see that they tweeted it six seconds ago without giving you credit. Pick one:
A. Grit your teeth but stay silent and mentally note to never tell them another joke ever the fuck again
B. Shrug. As long as people laugh, who cares who gets credit?
C. Defenestrate that motherfucker
D. Ask them if they know what “defenestrate” means, and if they don’t, defenestrate that motherfucker
4. Would you rather:
A. Be blind but have super good hearing
B. Be deaf but have super good vision
C. Both A and C
D. Yes
5. Have you already read what all of the possible outcomes are?
A. Why would anyone do that? It ruins the quiz
B. I didn’t until you asked me if I did
C. I spilled MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™ on that part of the page
D. You’re running out of questions, aren’t you?
6. What’s your favorite ASMR?
A. What?
B. Lol ass-mar
C. People with dry mouth eating saltine crackers without a refreshing non-recyclable bottle of MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™
D. RAMS!
7. Pick a card, any card.
A. Cardi B
B. A pile of unopened Father’s Day cards
C. The race card
D. The “um, actually, this has nothing to do with race” card
8. Did you know that 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance?
A. Everyone knows that
B. But did you know that this question was brought to you by Geico?
C. Wait, really? I was expecting MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™
D. Nope. Anchoring bias. Eat a dick, Answer C
9. What's your favorite fun fact about Kentucky?
A. It's shaped like a drumstick, kinda
B. It's the only state to be the birthplace of two presidents who were in office at the same time
C. The losing horses of the Kentucky Derby get turned into Jell-O and spoon-fed to young aspiring jockeys by Bill Cosby himself
D. This fucking thing
10. Fuck, Marry, Kill: Martin Shkreli, Martin Scorsese, Mark Schlissel
A. I find the absence of any female options oppressive and unaligned with the GargFeed mission statement
B. How exactly is this at all relevant?
C. One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn't belong…
D. Yes to all 3 for all 3, but not necessarily in the same order
11. Pick an MC name:
A. Notorious ESP
B. MC Nuggets
C. Lil Misogynist
D. Lil Cystic Fibrosis
Time to tally your results!
Mostly A’s: Buddy Howards–world record holder for longest time taken to solve a rubix cube
Buddy took 81 years to solve his rubix cube, which he got as a birthday present when he was 3. I’m not sure why anyone would give a 3-year-old a rubix cube, but it’s a good thing they did. He/you are either very patient, or very stupid. Either way, your entire legacy will be a plaque and a twenty-second segment in a YouTube video. Hope you’re happy.
Mostly B’s: Whoever the first human is–world record holder for most world records
Since they held the record for being the oldest person, they also hold the record for the longest time anyone’s ever held a world record, and the world record for the longest time anyone’s ever held two world records, and three world records, and so on. Guinness might officially deny this but I’ve thought about it way too much to not include it. Don’t take this away from me.
Mostly C’s: Xiqin Zhu–world record holder for person(s) with most mispronounced name
There’s probably several thousand people that share this world record, but we just gave it to the first woman we met because, when you think about it, we don’t really even know for sure if that’s the record-holding name, so does it really matter if we give it to the right person? They should really stop giving out so many records. Fucking participation trophies.
Mostly D’s: Arthur Miller–world record holder for most/only successful Gargoyle alum
What’s that you say? Guinness doesn’t do world records for qualitative traits? Well, joke’s on you, buddy, because this whole thing is fake. GargFeed is just a ripoff of Buzzfeed which is itself a ripoff of amandaplease.com. Get fukt, dumbass.
Written by Nathan Slaven