Dear Freshman:
Thank you for your interest in Phigma Si.
After careful consideration of you during our rush process, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place among Phigma Si’s rush class of 2018. This year’s rush class was the largest in Phigma Si’s history, and unfortunately, we have our heads too far up our own asses to really feel comfortable accepting anyone even slightly divergent from the same cookie-cutter, out-of-date idea of what our members should look like. You see, even though you expressed enthusiasm towards joining the “most hardcore of the hardcore frats” (which we are), inside our boujee brick walls you failed to really find your place within our specific chapter of the Close-Minded Posers Convention. Regardless of how much you connected with members on a superficial level, we don’t think you truly quite embody the cultivated a e s t h e t i c of the house, and we were disappointed in your inability to “vibe” with our love of deep deep deep deep underground avante garde goth trap. Although your commitment to attending every rush event and even braving potential academic suspension by actively participating in humiliating (and overtly satanic) group hazing rituals was commendable, we found that your general discomfort with our subtly-racist stand-up and cringey granola bar ASMR performed at our open mic (as well as towards our tradition of group cat-calling lost girls too drunk to walk properly up State street) to be representative of perfectly intact moral code typically uncharacteristic of Phigma Si members. For future reference, it might be wise to keep any sort of indication of a personal alignment with more than the most washed-out, flimsy excuse of any semblance of respect for women (or even, especially unnerving, openly calling oneself a feminist) out of earshot of our highly respected Rush Chairs, as we don’t want to make those with registered sex offender statuses feel woefully excluded. We pride ourselves in providing safe spaces for such marginalized individuals, and your discriminatory language—such as condemning “rapists”—was found to make many uncomfortable. Along a similar vein, it’s also recommended that you make the best efforts to avoid discussing any social justice issues whatsoever. Trust us, we’re woke enough (we’re proud to boast the only fraternity on campus with a black member!). While we also were impressed by your dedication towards schoolwork and your clear passion for your major, we assure you that not one Phigma Si member retains even a remotely dedicated drive towards a successful academic career, especially not in something as in-depth and batshit insane as Psychosocial Gender Relations Theory. This is a fucking frat. Get real.
We greatly (but not really) appreciate your efforts to break free from stereotypical expectations of what a frat boy is like and offer best wishes of success as you try to find your place of belonging in other fraternities.
Sincerely,
Alex “The Crusher” Johnson
Phigma Si Rush Chair
by Isabel Hedin-Urrutia