The Buck Stops Here
By Nicholas Dibagia
We’ve all heard the saying: “The buck stops here.” Maybe it was in that picture taken by a potato during Eisenhower’s presidency of that little sign in the Oval Office, professing his ultimate responsibility for the actions of the government. How about the goddamn Cold War and nuclear arms race, Eisie? We’re waiting for your answer.
“Where is it?”
Nonetheless, we at the Gargoyle don’t truly believe that The Buck stops in the Oval Office. We did some digging, and found out that there is a deer, rather a buck, in the employ of the University of Michigan. Upon further inquiry, it was found that The Buck’s whole name is Blu Buck, and he’s apparently available as a sort of scapegoat. Rather than stopping elsewhere, the “buck” actually stops in the office of Blu Buck, where the responsibility for the University’s indiscretion ends. We reached out to his office numerous times, yet consistently were told that he was “out of the office,” “at the feeder,” “boning doe babes,” and “evading Elmer Fudd.” Ordinarily, the pursuit of investigational journalism is lost here at the Garg once we’ve run out of our initial supply of codeine/Absinthe mixes, but the office gargoyle that lives behind our trusty copier ran out of its favorite venison jerky, and the opportunity to replenish its supply with fresh deer, albeit a rather cerulean one, we took the chance.
“He was...boning doe babes.”
There couldn’t possibly be that many deer bitches to fuck, and Elmer Fudd must have been lost to the forgetfulness of posterity, so some funny business was going on. Where was Blu Buck? Where does he stop? How can we find him so that we might dump the responsibilities for misgendering our Starbucks barista or smiting the soul of that rat-bastard on the moped who almost ended our sorry existences?
“The poor chap was simply overwhelmed with the sheer volume of shit he’s had to take…”
It turns out he was in plain sight. Surrounded by the chode-squirrels and Buddhist yokels in the Diag, the deer was spotted perched atop the Ugli, eyeing a spot to toss himself atop the storied M. We naturally had to talk him down. Post his attempted air campaign of using his body as a fall-test dummy, we had a quick chat. The poor chap was simply overwhelmed with the sheer volume of shit that he’s had to take as a result of President Schlissel’s– and by extension, society’s– shitty decisions and inability to not cause trouble. Reports buried deep in the Gargoyle’s storied archives provide evidence that the University began interviewing applicants for the “Buck” position after Ron Weiser was seen felatting the chairman of the Washtenaw County Republican Committee. Reportedly, he has been called into service more recently to take responsibility for the closures of many of Ann Arbor’s coffee shops, with students wanting someone to blame for having to suck it up and drink Starbucks or suffer the debilitating headache that accompanies a caffeineless day for any of the university’s overtaxed, sleep-deprived students.
“The threat of a venison special at the Bursley cafeteria has kept him in his place…”
According to one source, Blu Buck has attempted to resign from his position at least three times, but each time the threat of a venison special at the Bursley cafeteria has kept him in his place. The staff of the Gargoyle is troubled by these threats of coercion as well as the purpose of the deer’s employ. However, at this particular juncture, we wished him well and sent him on his way.
The Gargoyle staff and Blu, the buck where the buck stops, implore you: don’t be a dipshit. Take responsibility for yourself so some poor deer doesn’t have that shit on his conscience and throw himself from a building, splattering your My Little Pony shirt with deer juice.
Postscriptum: don’t fret about the office gargoyle. We ended up buying him some farm-raised venison and he’s perfectly happy and robust as always.