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The Gargoyle Investigates: Rising Stars

Updated: May 1, 2021

Donald Glover’s This is America was recently awarded a Grammy, making it one of the most important songs of the year. There is no question that at the Grammys, celebrity musicians receive all of the attention, a disheartening fact given the countless lesser-known but equally talented artists trying to share their music with the world. Here at the Gargoyle, we give everyone the benefit of the doubt, which is why we have decided to publish an in-depth look at some of the most promising artists of this day and age. Perhaps one of these musicians will one day win the Grammy?

Let’s start by heading south of the Mason-Dixon and checking out an artist who puts the likes of golden country greats like Conway Twitty and Merle Haggard to shame. Enter Jimmy Jackson. Like all successful country artists, Jimmy served a brief stint in federal prison after beating his neighbor’s horse with a spatula in a fit of rage during a psychotic break brought on by watching Mr. Ed reruns. Jimmy skyrocketed to fame in his native Texarkana with his hit single You’re Only My 2nd Cousin, And That Makes Our Love Okay. This modern take on a timeless Alabama tune immediately topped local charts and has seen significant radio coverage across the country, from good ol’ Knoxville all the way to Galveston. It’s no surprise given the fascinating use of syncopated rhythms and dissonant chords. In fact, the most famous lines were taken directly from a skinhead biker brawl across the street from the recording studio! Talk about authenticity! Detractors say Jimmy will never hit the mainstream because he has a swastika tattooed on his forehead and openly advocates for secession. As far as we at the Gargoyle are concerned, Jimmy Jackson has already carved himself a spot into the great Mount Rushmore of country legends.

Now, let's investigate the Midwestern R&B scene with M.C. McGriddles’ magnum opus love song: Girl, I’ll Have Some Fries With That Burger. Before you listen to M.C. McGriddle, you have to understand some history about the man himself. M.C. McGriddle, one-time Chicago junkie turned type two diabetic, realized his former druggie lifestyle was unhealthy while being urinated on by a homeless man. In a mere three weeks, M.C. McGriddle performed the impossible, completely supplanting his drug addiction with a constant influx of Big Macs, McRibs, and steak fries. M.C. McGriddle, who clocks in at just over 600 pounds when fully engorged, is the smoothest singer east of the Mississippi. Where M.C. McGriddle really shines above the mainstream R&B crowd is his sheer relatability. While R. Kelly and Usher sing about sex and money, M.C. McGriddle sings about the real issues, bringing to attention those of us who just can’t go half an hour without eating a Snickers. But don’t take our word for it. M.C. McGriddles’ latest smash hit, Imma Do You Right Girl And Get You Some Extra Dip, has taken over the streets of Chicago. All this in spite of the fact that McGriddle is currently on house arrest for making death threats to the local Burger King. Here at the Gargoyle, we think M.C. McGriddle is someone that we can all relate to.

Finally and perhaps most importantly, we did some digging in and around Seattle and turned up a group which will really bring out that teenage angst. You haven’t quite experienced grunge until you’ve been to one of the Allen twins’ intense underground concerts for yourself. Originally headed by identical twins Karl and Kyle on drums and electric respectively, the duo produced hit after hit with songs like Shut Up And Give Me The Adderall, The Voices In My Head Have Tourettes, and Codeine. Unfortunately, the original lineup ended all too early during a live performance of More Dope Or Piss Up A Rope, during which Karl began shooting up heroin on stage, and Kyle blew his brains out with a 12 gauge. Karl was later placed on suicide watch but, determined to continue the band, recruited bassist Darryl Rick and guitarist James Tyler. They too tragically overdosed on Fentanyl-laced Flintstones vitamins and Elmer’s glue before hitting the stage for the first time. It remains to be seen if Karl will ever be able to recreate his early sound, but at the Gargoyle, we understand raw talent and have faith that Karl will be returning to the big stage very soon.

Written by Jacob Katzman; Art by Fiona Tien

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