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  • Writer's pictureAnnika Smits

UM Medical Info Leak Uncovers Ross Students' Drug Use




On the eve of the new academic year, an internet security breach at the University of Michigan prompted confidential prescription notes to pour into campus servers—and it’s not the copious amounts of SSRIs you’re acquainted with. 


It appears that—upon admission—students enrolled in the Ross School of Business have Wolverine blood coursing through their veins, and, all the while, have been ashamedly pumping themselves full of medications that keep their Gulo gulo status at bay. Regents of the University have formally titled the spillage “(R)awr (x)d Data Breach (2023)”. Business students panicked Sunday afternoon as the “Health and Wellness” page on Wolverine Access flooded with prescription records featuring the likes of Furrinaxrin and Dawgalazine—in other words, Alpha Blockers. It’s no wonder they’ve made it onto the endangered species list, posing as normal students while popping classified pills, ashamed of who they really are. Where’s the school spirit in that? 


At the Gargoyle, we believe in getting on all fours and being your authentic self. In fact, we’ve compiled a list of all the ways this biological standing presents our friends at the business school with opportunity and advantage:


  1. Tired of carrying around a briefcase? Abandon those leather lunch boxes—we know they're empty anyway—and use those strong teeth to chomp down on your important documents.


  1. Crushing on your ACCOUNTING 101 classmate? Work those scent glands to their full potential and spray them with that pungent substance to signal your arousal.


  1. Has punching walls and puffing out your chest not been hitting the same lately? Let out a growl or two—perhaps even a hiss. We know for a fact you’ve got it in you!


  1. Sick of power walking in circles around the perimeter of the Ross building? Take a break to lick your fellow business baddies on the outdoor patio while you dream about crypto, and recreate scenes from The Wolf of Wall Street in your true forms—or should I say The Wolverines of Wall Street!


Though the stigma remains, rest assured that The Gargoyle will stand by Ross students noble enough to crush the taboos and push the hairy agenda.


By Molly Anderson


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