At the crack of dawn, on September 26th, the university’s custodial and grounds services erected a sign in Mary Markley. In one ruthless paragraph, it demanded male residents to cease ejaculation “into the shower drains, on the toilet seats, and on the sink handles.” Apparently, the sheer amount of sperm entering the plumbing was just too much for the pipes to handle. Signing off the letter, the university holds the threat of another internet shutdown over the heads of Markley dwellers. Overnight, incessant reposts overtook Snapchat, eventually obscuring the original text.
As the reliable reporter I am, I made the treacherous trek to the hallowed halls of Markley to examine this sign for myself. Through zombie-ish hoards of horny freshmen and over families of cockroaches en route to their vacation homes, I hunted. Suddenly, I discovered a crowd surrounding one sickly looking student posing next to the infamous sign.
Despite his emaciated appearance, the student’s left arm looked suspiciously more muscular than the other. Curious and slightly alarmed, I interrupted him for an interview. He introduced himself and his followers as the C-Men, a vigilante group determined to bring on another internet outage. Dubbing himself “The Head” of the clan, this is the tip he had to give me;
“You know, I’ve got some required community service hours, so I think this is the best way to give back. Without the internet, it’ll force the university to pass us. That bio exam absolutely decimated my bro, so really, this is for him.”
Reaching out to the wider Ann Arbor area, I received a comment from a local sperm bank begging the C-Men and their devotees not to waste their precious fluids.
“We’ve been trying to salvage what we can, but this is capital we’re losing,” an official from the bank stated. How they were salvaging, I didn’t ask. I’ll let your imaginations run through those scenarios.
In wake of these wise words, I ask you this: do we heed the decree of the C-Men, take up our arms (or left hands, rather) and fulfill their anti-internet manifesto? Or do we save our salacious semen to make big bucks and re-enter our local economy through beneficiary means? I’ll let you, Markleyites and faithful readers, decide for yourself.
By Mia Lambert