White Claw Plane Crash
by Luke Homans
Dear Michigan Intercollegiate Liaison of Fraternities,
I am writing you this memo to let you know the action that I, as MILF president, will be taking regarding the recent “catastrophe” involving the military flyover at last saturday’s football game.
Now first off, I know you all know about the Constitution of the United States of America, and how in it, it says that game day is the only day that even slightly matters. Therefore of course, to do our founding fathers justice, I have skipped birthdays, cancelled appointments, and committed several crimes in order to ensure that I don’t miss that juicy gridiron action. Once I even skipped my grandma’s funeral ‘cause I had to pregame with the boys™. Didn’t even matter, cause I knew grandma was a cold blooded American, and plus he would be pretty fucking shit at a keg stand, so this is what she would’ve wanted.
Ok anyways, enough with all this sappy family bullshit.
Once we pulled up to the Big House last Saturday morning, we were feeling pretty aroused in anticipation for the Star Spangled Banner to play and the Air Force flyover, so the sexual tension between the brothers was pretty evident. Anyways, when that dope-ass symbol of American supremacy finallly came screaming overhead, I got a little bit of a half-chub, thought “fuck the demo-craps and their communist free health care” and was really feeling pretty amped up about seeing some big sweaty muscle-bound Patriots run into a bunch of fucking beta males. As I gazed upon that majestic sight, something else caught my eye. It was a banner bearing one of MILF’s most treasured religious artifacts: White Claw. It was being pulled by a smaller, less dope-ass, not as American plane. That little beta-plane got a little too close to the American government’s massive shlong (as I lovingly refer to the military) and just got fucking obliterated. Pieces of the pussy plane came raining down on the parking lot and some of the people in the stands. People were screaming for their lives, I definitely saw a couple little kids get completely squished by a wing, but the kickoff had already happened. My half-chub had disappeared by now, due to the carnage, but I needed to turn my focus back to the game.
UNFORTUNATELY, I could not do this, as the Air Force plane, with two of its engines on one side burning from the crash, had been forced to fly in a circle and was now about to make an uncontrolled crash-landing -- right into section 43. The plane was going pretty fast still, so it slid through section 44, into section 1, and all the way through section 9R where it was finally slowed by the curve of the stadium. It went through those thousands of spectators like I went through all of your moms last night lmao. I saw torsos fly through the air, the legs plastered to the nose of the plane. Of the 12,000 killed, an estimated 9,000 of them were cut in half like a combine harvesting corn. One of the wings, the one with the flaming engines, broke off and set the other teams benches on fire. To be honest, it was pretty funny to see their pussy-asses running around with their pads covered in flames.
Due to the crazy-ass blood tsunami that was caused by the continued motion of the plane, the M on the scoreboard had been obscured. I knew it was time to be a hero. I grabbed some of the other members of Delta Omega Nu Gamma and we started to run. Pushing aside the paramedics that were in our way, we formed a human pyramid to reach the screen. Using our own shirts, we scrubbed the blood and bits of bone off of the holy M. This experience was honestly tough for me because I had to see our beautiful logo obscured, even if only for a few minutes. I was only consolable when the Wolverines scored 12 touchdowns in a row, due to the fact that the other team had lost some players in the “incident.” They complained about the trauma of having to see their teammates and friends turned into a bloody pulp by the still spinning propeller of the White Claw plane, but honestly they should stop being such pussies and bottle that shit up like a man.
Obviously, the real trauma was having to see two of MILF’s most holy sacraments defaced, the Maize M, and the White Claw crest. I am therefore demanding compensation from the brand for what we, as Brothers, had to endure. I’m gonna get my dad to talk to the CEO and have him bring all of our ragers free booze for the rest of the year. So that’s really what this is about, rush ΔΩΝΓ if you want to get fucking lit.
In conclusion, the more I think back on that litty af game day, I think about how dope it was to continue to play on, for the morale of the fans, for the players, and for the boys and how that was not only the right decision, but the most American one too. Goddamnit I love this country so much. Go red, go white, and most importantly, Go Blue!
President of the Michigan Intercollegiate Liaison of Fraternities
University of Michigan Class of 2022
Ross School of Business