by Tess Beiter
April 15th Tragedy has struck the northern coast of Africa. News finally broke yesterday explaining the worrying silence from these nations for the past three days, and the answer is perplexing: a rampaging animated cucumber named Larry. An investigation into the cause for this violent act is still underway, but the preliminary findings have been released to the press.
Larry the Cucumber is best known for his starring role on the Christian kids’ show Veggie Tales, and has long been a gentle (if foolish) celebrity amongst small children. However, 25 years of indoctrinating young children would overwhelm anyone, and Larry is no exception to this. It appears that his years of singing silly songs embedded with dubious religious subtext was too much for our dear cucumber, and the guilt that comes with brainwashing children led him to a complete psychotic break. Based on evidence gathered from the former Veggie Tales Studio, which was boarded up and presumed abandoned, Larry and his vegetable friends have been kept there since the cancellation of their show in 2017.
While what exactly triggered this psychotic episode in Larry is unknown, the details stand. He broke free of his enclosure last week and viciously attacked any vegetable who stood in his way. Interviews with the survivors were conducted, though they were badly shaken up and many were injured. When approached, one gourd simply cowered and screamed, “I don’t have his hairbrush! I swear!” There were two casualties to his studio rampage—peas by the names of Jean-Claude and Philippe—but strangely, none of the other vegetables seemed to care. “They had it coming” was the general consensus. An asparagus stalk who was a bit more composed than the others was questioned, and he revealed that Larry has claimed it his divine right to launch a new Crusade to take back the Christian Holy Land. “I mean, I don’t disagree,” Archie Asparagus told us. “That land did belong to us first! But violence is never the answer.” We felt it would be insensitive to point out the hypocrisy of that statement to him.
The timeline of his journey to Africa is unclear, but satellite photos show the cucumber rolling across the Atlantic (a necessity, since he has neither arms nor legs) and making landfall on the Western coast of Morocco early on April 12th. Based on reports from Moroccan towns, the sea water nearly pickled him, simply inciting his rage further. Now, three days later, he has hopped through Morocco, Algeria, southern Tunisia, and is halfway through Libya on his journey to Israel. Based on predictions, he will likely reach Jerusalem by Easter Sunday. This concerns experts, as they are unsure exactly what he is capable of. So far, his movements have been erratic and terrifyingly corporeal for an animated vegetable. His reported terrorizations include pillaging, turning rivers to blood, forcing others to watch him commit cannibalism in the name of Jesus, and gifting water buffalos to petrified children. “Everyone needs a water buffalo,” he reportedly whispered to himself over and over as he ensured that every child in Hassi Fehal, Algeria, was in possession of a pet water buffalo. The intent behind this action remains unknown.
In a statement released this morning, Pope Francis condemned this act of warfare. However, U.S. President Joe Biden (a known Christain sympathizer) has made no comment on his take of this situation. But a White House press secretary was overheard saying, “He’s just a cucumber! What damage can he possibly do?” Well, sir, we’d like to see that insensitive arrogance of yours stand whilst a fanatical 6 '4’’ cucumber is bearing down on you, his single buck tooth glistening menacingly.
Beware, press secretary… beware.
Despite our best efforts, Bob the Tomato could not be reached for comment.