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How the Garg Saved Saint Patrick's Day

by Anson Lee

Once upon a time in Ireland, there lived a mischievous Gargoyle. He spent his days pranking the animals of the forest, stealing from local villagers, and spreading conspiracy theories about fairies. One day the king of the realm came to inspect the village. There was much celebration upon his arrival, yet the mischievous Gargoyle was only interested in the King’s golden crown.

“I could buy so much weed if I sold that,” he thought to himself.

Determined to get higher than the Empire State, the Gargoyle waited until nightfall before sneaking into the King’s tent and stealing his crown while he slept. By morning he had sold the crown to a leprechaun in exchange for a collection of coins, jewels, and NFTs.

When the king finally awoke, he was furious. He gathered his knights, the villagers, and one very baked Gargoyle in the town square. “I promise the one who finds the thief who stole my crown shall be handsomely rewarded!”

Recognizing an opportunity, the Gargoyle spoke. “I bet it was that damn Leprechaun”, he said. “Just this morning I saw him with a suspicious pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”

“Then we must find this Leprechaun and punish him”, replied the King before sending his knights to hunt him down.

From then on, Irish-Leprechaun relations were permanently damaged leading to centuries of warfare. However, the Gargoyle did not care; for he was satisfied with his new pile of treasure.

However when he arrived at his condo in the woods later that day, he found several mysterious figures waiting for him. “I heard you were talking shit,” said one of them before revealing himself. It was the Leprechaun the Gargoyle had sold the crown to, and with him were several of Ireland’s most notorious Leprechaun mobsters. After several minutes of trading insults and racial slurs, the Gargoyle said with confidence, “You’re all bark and no bite! What are you going to do? Stab me?”

After shattering the Gargoyle’s kneecaps with baseball bats, the gang of Leprechauns left him howling in agony before depriving him of his newfound riches. Their fatal mistake would be leaving the Gargoyle alive, for now he would seek vengeance.

The Gargoyle hatched a plan to gather an army of animals to lead them in a war against the Leprechauns. However, such a task proved more difficult than he initially predicted.

“No,” said the rabbits. “We’re far too busy with rabbit stuff to help.”

“No,” said the deer. “That sounds like a you problem.”

“No,” said the birds. “Fuck off.”

With no army, the desperate Gargoyle decided to turn to foreign mercenaries. He would purchase a legion of the most wicked and wild creatures to roam the earth and send them forth in his righteous crusade. However, the recently robbed Gargoyle was particularly cash strapped and could only afford a crate of snakes.

For centuries onward, these snakes would ravage Ireland and its peoples, until the arrival of St. Patrick. For his act of environmental warfare, the Gargoyle was banished from the island and would not return until he discovered an even stronger force for invading Ireland: the English.

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