THE REAL (BUT SLIGHTLY REDACTED) HISTORY OF THE GREEN M&M
Uncovered By: Amer Goel and Tess Beiter, descendants of Donald Regan
June 12, 1992
The USSR has finally fallen to our valiant cause of democracy, but I fear the trouble may not be over. The propaganda I’ve been fed since I was a boy attending the prestigious Mercersburg Academy, depicting the Green M&M—I shudder to write her name even now—might be… false? Everyone knows she is vile, a criminal despot, a Communist! But… could it be that the Great US of A is lying to its loyal citizens? Will update later.
Hugs and kisses,
Donald Regan, Secretary of the Treasury
June 16.5, 1992
My fears were true. While perusing the secret labyrinth of the Library of Congress, I finally found what I was looking for—solid proof. The Green M&M is, and always has been, a woman of the people, controlling the vile men who pretended to be the leaders of the USSR. With her womanly wiles and maternal instincts, she nursed the Soviet Union to recover from the havoc we Westerners wreaked on them. After the fall of the Berlin Wall, she mysteriously disappeared, but I think I might know what happened to her. Until next time, my love…
Donald Regan, Certified Lover Boy
June 20, 1992
My lovely Diary,
This intrepid detective has not ceased his quest for the truth. But… I’ve been otherwise occupied by unsuccessfully pursuing my juggling career. That’s where my heart leads me, but my head tells me I must continue uncovering our heinous government’s dirty deeds.
Donald Regan, MD, PhD
June 23, 1992
My sensuous Diary,
My blood runs cold in my varicose veins. My brittle bones tremble at the cruelty of our nation. Until now, they’ve led us to believe that the glorious Green M&M disappeared, perhaps even died. But NO. She’s alive and well, waiting to be freed by those who are brave enough to take up her cause. Guantanamo, we are coming for you. You WILL NOT enslave the woman who has given so much for any longer.
(note to self: find out exactly what Guantanamo is)
I don’t even have the energy in me to (˘ሠ˘)
Donald Regan, quirked up white boy, goated with the sauce
June 25, 1992
Most lovely Diary,
Donna left me today. But I don’t need her. I don’t need anyone but the Green M&M. I’ve been in contact with operatives on the ground in Cuba (apparently, that’s where Guantanamo is). I hear they’ve been putting her in heeled boots recently, objectifying her, forcing her into sexual slavery. How DARE they. I have a pair of pristine white tennis shoes waiting for her when she is finally free. Donna will see what she lost then.. I’ll make sure of it.
June 69, 1992
My comrade, Diary of diaries, my everything:
I finally found her. I first laid eyes on her in the Grounge. I was losing hope then; our cause for justice and the freedom of Tamathiee and her veritable horde of baby Taras. But alas, there she was. I averted my eyes with the respect one affords a goddess such as she. I offered her those glistening shoes I had brought; I genuflected but she was not pleased. I prostrated myself completely, but she only accepted me with a mere nod. Afterward, my fellow operatives and I stayed to distract the Comandantes de Jefe while she made her escape. My mind is clearer than ever– is this what enlightenment feels like?
I may die. But I will die a loyal soldier of the Green M&M.
Mommy? sorry, mommy, sorry, mommy, sorry, mom–
Donald Regan, Peace be Upon Me
DONALD REGAN, Secretary of the Treasury turned traitor, recounts his brainwashed enamoration with the evil GREEN M&M, a dangerous and manipulative KGB operative. Her whereabouts remain classified. The UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT officially denies any knowledge of any person or thing to do with any part of this situation.