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Gargoyle vs. Green Goblin

by Gautham Jayaraj

Spiderman No Way Home revealed the reality of the multiverse. There are many spidermen out there on different Earths, which likely means many green-goblins. On one of these Earths, the green-goblin was a professor at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. This is his origin story.

Norman "Dr. Oz" Osborn used to be an esteemed professor at UM- Ann Arbor, which he still works at, but he lost his "esteemed-ness" after a far from esteemed horse-girl from UROP tried her hoof-loving hand at chemistry.

People wonder why UROP students have difficult times getting into labs. It’s not because they are unqualified mouth-breathers sucking air through their face-holes. It’s that they are flesh bags that can ruin researchers’ lives.

This girl couldn't come up with a final presentation on time, so she made a concoction with carbonated water and green skittles. The liquid appeared like a soda drink (or pop, for those that prefer other nomenclature.). The deprived horse girl handed the drink to Dr. Osborn on an April evening, thinking he would accept it as a final project. Dr. Osborn assumed it was mountain dew and drank. Oh yes, he drank it like a man whose thirst had never been quenched.

The horse girl didn't realize the skittles were expired, however. So, as the days passed, Norman went through a second puberty. His schlong didn't get bigger, but his personality certainly did. So much so, it broke into two pieces–-- two equally unsexy sides of a coin.

Stormin’ Norman hadn’t noticed those changes until he read his mid-term evaluations. The common trend: “he was too moody and would talk to the mirrors in Mason Hall too often.” After some not-so-subtle requests from his son, Harry, Dr. Osborn set up an appointment with CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services).

Norman "Green Skittles" Osborn set up an appointment with the CAPS, and a few days later, he hopped onto a zoom call. He found an esteemed psychologist on the other end, without their camera on. Norman kept his camera off as well. He was starting to get green skin and didn't want to show it. That's the wonders of middle-age puberty.

The initial minutes of the conversation went as well as you'd expect an egotistical researcher and a face-less voice to go. I’m sure you’d rather fall down an actual well and have your pubescent acne light on fire than listen to that audible word vomit.

"So, Norman, because of this concoction you drank, you're telling me you are feeling psychotic?"

"That's the gist of it."

"Yeah, you should just sleep it off."

Norman grew silent, "Really? I don't need to do cognitive behavorial therapy or anything like that?"

"No, that's what scientists would administer, but I'm not a scientist." There was a shrug in Garg's voice.

"You know, I'm something of a scientist myself."

"Your PhDs say so."

Norman was confused why an incompetent nincompoop such as Garg could be a counselor at CAPS. But then again, if you're sneaky enough, you can steal zoom IDs.

"Norman, I'm curious, what do you look like?"

"You can search for a picture of me on linkedin."

"Or, you can show me now."

Norman "PhDs" Osborn hesitated to turn on his camera; ultimately, he went for it anyway and revealed his itchy skin to the mysterious Garg.

"No way…" Garg sounded awestruck.

"I'm hideous, I know."

"You are hideous, but it's not that. You're green. That can't be…"


"I'm sorry, Norman, but this is something I can't accept. I will be the sole green person on this campus. Not you or any other loony professors."

Norman shifted in his seat as his mind noodles shuffled. The second piece of his new, split personality was trying to take over after the insult. "Who are you calling 'loony'?"

"You." Garg turned on his camera and revealed his beautifully ugly appearance, "We meet at the diag at 2 a.m. tomorrow."

"For what?"

"A fight to hold the title of sole green person on campus."

No one considered the possibility of actually healing Norman to remove his green exterior, for these were some violent boys.

Norman "Two Face" Osborn showed up at the diag the following day with a broomstick and pajamas. Garg showed up in all his glory a few minutes later. His tragically ugly yet somehow luxurious bottom-of-the-trash can skin was accentuated with the gentle licks of the street lights.

It was time for a duel. Without even a countdown, these two green beings dashed towards each other.

Norman attempted to swing the broom at Garg's statue-esque head, but Garg raised his forearm and blocked the pathetic attack. The broom bristles bent like broken bones.

"You look like a Goblin, Norman."

"Really?" Norman cackled on the edge of insanity. “You know how I got these scars?”

Garg grabbed the end of the broom, but Norman held his end tighter. Garg turned and swung the broom over his head with Norman still attached. Norm's back thumped on the ground, and he released an accompanying grunt. Much like a green skittle, he looked very chewy after his fall.

Norman whimpered, "Please don't hurt me." He returned to his 'normal' personality, and he quivered his hands when sitting up, trying to summon empathy from the aggressor.

Garg didn't fall for this, however. He approached the fallen Norm and muttered, "I am one person. You are two. You have to choose, Osborn. You have to choose."

"No, I don't," Norman hissed before looking down at Garg's feet. "You're standing on the 'M,' Garg. You know what that means."

Garg stood straight, looking into the sky as if looking for what wronged him. A tear dribbled past the crease of his eyelid.

Norman knew it was only a little past 2 a.m., and the clock tower no longer rings at midnight, so the curse could never be lifted, even if Garg could run to the puma statues from the 'M' in a minute while naked.

Garg knew about the curse, but he didn't realize that the clock doesn't ring at midnight. So, Norman made his order, "Get naked, boy." Garg picked at leather tunic and got naked before the defamed professor. His wings stretched comfortably as he sprinted towards the Chem building.

Norman watched in pride as Garg ran off like a coward. The Green Goblin had won. He was the sole green person on campus. He repeated to the stars, “Get naked, boy.”

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